Seeking God Knows What

Here is a little more information with regard to the situation I posted about here.

We are having our profile shown for a little boy who turned two in December.  Our agency director is meeting with his mom on Thursday and will be showing profiles to her then.

Placement may be inevitable (not necessarily with us), whether she chooses a voluntary placement or not, so please say a prayer for his mom while she decides which is the right path for her.  And for us, especially that I do not get too hopeful, in case this is not “it”.

There is a possibility lurking but it wasn’t our original plan, even though we said we would be open to this type of situation.

Sorry to be so vague but I don’t feel I can share too many details because we only just indicated our interest to our agency and I have heard nothing back from her and probably won’t until Monday at the earliest.

of worrying about whether, even unintentionally, I’m coercing a mother into losing her child.

of having to be extremely picky about which agency we use for ethical reasons

of being limited on how much adoption costs us because we only have X dollars.  A lot of situations we might consider we have to turn down because the money isn’t there.

of being expected to open our hearts to the risk of being crushed over and over again, just to add to our family.

And I’m hating infertility.

I just want to be a mom again.

thankyouverymuch

This is a processing post for me, so as an FYI it may be a bit disjointed.

Awhile back I friended Widget’s first mom on Facebook.  After the fact, I had a momentary wonder if that was a good idea but I decided it wasn’t a big deal, which has proven to be true, primarily because L doesn’t actually log in to Facebook that frequently as she doesn’t have internet access at home.

Then today, I am doing my daily (okay, multitude of times per day) check of what is happening on Facebook, and I saw that L had logged in and added new pictures.  Some of which include Widget from our last visit.

And I have to admit I am a bit disconcerted about it.  It isn’t so much about the pictures themselves since my family  and friends post pictures of Widget, plus I share them all the time here, on forums, etc.  I am trying to put my finger on why because if it were a question posed to me on a blog or forum, I would definitely reply that a first mom has the right to post photos since it is her child too.

Maybe it is because I have been sensing a change in L with regard to Widget, as if she is somehow staking her claim on Widget as her mother.  She called on her birthday and commented that she had the alarm set on her phone to go off at 2:36 PM that day, which is when Widget was born.  She called on Christmas, something she has never done before.  She is making more of an effort to set up visits.

I don’t mean any of this is a bad thing.  I think it is good and healthy for L (and for Widget).  But for me, it is strange and I’m feeling a bit of a “Mama Bear” instinct that “this is MY baby, MY daughter”, which is not what something I really ever anticipated feeling because I have truly tried to recognize that Widget does have another family that loves her as much as we do.

Sigh.

After 5 years, I thought the way our open adoption was going had settled into something routine and now it suddenly feels all changed up.