Seeking God Knows What

Living is so complex and intricate. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I am forever changed by the decisions I make or do not make; by the people who intersect my path and sometimes lead me down another road, one I may not have expected to take, one I may regret having taken, one I rejoice in taking; by my interactions with the world.

Why is it that even though I know those things are done, over, finished, I still dwell on them in my mind? I cannot go back and undo the things I want to undo, erase. And if I could rewind, would I make different choices? When I got back to today, would my life be as it is now? Would I like that life or would I regret that I changed things?

If I had not been pushed to a crisis point this summer….
If I had not talked to PH about it….
If I had not listened to what he was trying to tell me….

Would I have spent Sunday November 6, 2005 in our church pastor’s office with him and our church pastor, realizing that I was ready to give my life to Christ, that He forgives all of the sins I have committed (in His eyes, they are erased), and gives me His grace as soon I asked Him into my life forever?

Would I change that?

Not at all.

Tonight is the big State of the Union speech. I haven’t watched a single one since Bush was elected but I watched nearly every one during the Clinton Years, particularly during college because I was a political science major. I was too young to really be into Bush Sr.’s speeches.

I have no desire to listen to Bush speak. If he could speak the English language properly, it might help, but I highly doubt it.

Apparently this year’s theme, “Things talked about around the kitchen table”. Does that mean things he thinks we should be talking about, things we are talking about (has he done a poll on this?) or is it just an excuse to bring up the “War on Terror” again? Sorry, bucko but methinks your plan to bring Saddam down hasn’t improved the world all that much. I absolutely agree that he was a masochistic dictator but this seems to be a huge mire for the US to be in now, certainly not well-planned for the future. Look at Saddam’s trial. For pete’s sake, the man is allowed to stomp out of the courtroom in protest, speak whenever he wants, say whatever he wants. Ridiculous. Will justice be served by this circus? Probably not, considering the thousands of people he had a hand in killing.

I hate to say this but I’m beginning to think that for some societies, democracy is not necessarily the best fit for government. No, I don’t have a better solution and yes, I do recognize the human rights violations that have occurred under dictatorships such as Saddam’s. Whatever form of government that will ensure basic human rights and equal rights for all people in the country is the best.

Anyway, tonight, the tv at my house will be off.

It is funny how “small” the world is…

PH has a sister who blogs (well, I think he has two sisters but I’m not positive). How do I know this? We were discussing a book we both read called Blue Like Jazz. The author, Don Miller, is coming to a local college at the end of April for its Festival of Faith and Writing. As we both wanted more information about the festival, he commented his sister works part of the time for the college and is a sponsor/donor for the festival. So I figured it out by reading the sponsors list. Then, I googled her name and through a couple of links of her writing, found her blog.

Well, her blog links to a blog of a young woman named Jana (who is a birthmom of two boys in an open adoption). Because of my interest in adoption, being an adoptive mother, I clicked on her blog. I then clicked on a blog under the Birthmothers BlogRing list on Jana’s blog and discovered that it was N. I met N on one adoption forum, realized she was on another adoption forum and we often found ourselves posting on similar topics and really challenging each other’s thoughts about what adoption is, how it comes about, etc. in today’s society. I was thrilled, to say the least, to find N because I always admired her writing and honesty about her experience and life as a birthmom and a parenting mom now. Neither of us posts as much to the adoption forums we used to visit (although I still peruse them on a daily basis), so now I can keep up better with her.

Weird how that happened!

So I spent this evening (the third of my Sunday evenings) at a small group/bible study/Intro to Christianity class with my husband called Alpha.

I participated in a womens’ only Alpha group this Fall and enjoyed it very much, although I was the youngest member by about 10 years. It certainly helped me gain some perspective about God and what it means to be a Christian.

I decided, after attending the Fall class, that T might gain something by being a part of an Alpha course as he is really unsure of his beliefs about God and religion, in general. So I asked him if he would be willing to try it for a couple of weeks. If he hated it, we didn’t have to continue to go. I was amazed when he actually agreed and seems to enjoy it. And now, we are discussing God, Satan, Christianity and our experiences with it more than before (although a lot of it seems to take place in the car on the way home).

It feels good to be having these conversations.

Helps eliminate some of my fears that if I continue to move forward in my Christian journey and T stays in the same place on the “outside”, we might drift apart. I promised him I wouldn’t force this on him. My prayer for him is that he becomes more open and willing to embrace what God has given us through Jesus on his own.

Since I’m not sure who will read this, I thought I’d share a brief synopsis of who I am.

I am an adoptive mother of one. My nickname for my 14-month-old daughter is Widget, so Widget she will be on here. She came to our family through a domestic open adoption. We see her birthmom (L) and L’s dad (CJ), stepmom (R) and stepsister (S), about 4-6 times per year.

I have been married for 8 1/2 years to T, who turns 30 this year. I’ll be 29 so I still have a year until the dreaded loss of my twenties!

I am a survivor of childhood cancer. I had Wilms’ Tumor at the age of 5 1/2 (a kidney tumor found mostly in children under the age of 5) and the treatment from it left me infertile, thus leading us to the adoption of our daughter.

I struggle with depression and anxiety- some of it stemming from being a cancer survivor, some of it simply biological in nature becasue my mother is in a constant battle with both as well.

I just renewed (or perhaps really finally defined and accepted) a faith and belief in God and Christ. It is amazing already the changes I am finding in myself as I begin to discover what a life with God/Christ at the center of it can become.

Beginning a blog…

The question is: Will I keep it up?