Seeking God Knows What

The University of Michigan Pediatric Oncology and Long Term Follow Up clinic (whew!) is hosting a Young Adult Cancer Survivorship conference at the end of April. I got a Save the Date postcard earlier this year and put it on my calendar. A couple of weeks ago I was invited to speak on a survivorship panel. I’m really excited but slightly anxious as speaking in public is not my forte. I usually turn five hundred shades of red, even when speaking to people I know and in small settings, but I really want to do this.

This month marks 23 years since I was diagnosed with Wilm’s Tumor. I was 5 1/2, my older sister was 8 and my younger sister was almost one. She actually turned one the weekend of my surgery (I think I was still in recovery on her actual first birthday). One thing I remember from the time of my initial treatment was a visit from my dad with my sisters. At the time my mom and I were staying with my mom’s sister and her husband who lived near Ann Arbor because I was having weekly radiation treatment, and I think daily chemo treatment. Our hometown was about 3 hours away from the hospital and this worked out better for my parents. My sisters stayed from the time of my surgery until about 6 weeks later with our paternal grandparents. Anyway, my dad brought my sisters over to see us and I remember quite vividly my mom calling to my younger sister to come see Mommy and she wouldn’t go. I can still remember the look on her face, my mom’s face when that happened.

And I felt as if it was all my fault.