Seeking God Knows What

So I realized I never got to the adoption part of our family journey.

It took us about 18 months to come to the agreement that we were both ready to begin the adoption process. We had decided that we wanted to do a domestic adoption first, because we hoped to be able to have the parenting experience from newborn on. After some searching and some recommendations, we ended up choosing an agency and getting started on our homestudy. For us, the paperwork process took about six months. It takes less for some people, but we had to wait for classes to be offered and T took longer to complete his self-study (with a few arguments on my part about whether this meant he didn’t want to adopt or what). So we were finally approved and ready to go almost exactly two years after our final failed IVF cycle, November 2002.

And we waited

and waited

and waited

and waited

for 11 months, when we finally got a phone call from our SW saying an expectant mom had chosen our profile and wanted to meet us. Found out baby was a girl due beginning of November.

We met. It felt like it clicked. We met again, this time with her mom present. Things went well. We all hugged at the end of the second meeting and her mom asked if she could give the baby the things she had bought, which we said sure, we would love it and hoped we would be able to have some occasional visits with them and the expectant mom’s other children. We would see each other at the hospital.

Phone call came about 4 in the afternoon on November 4, 2003 that she was at the hospital. We waited and finally got a call in the morning November 5 around 9 that she was born in the early morning. I remember asking T as we were waiting for a call during the night, if he thought she would change her mind. He didn’t know but she seemed sure she was going to place that night at dinner.

After the morning call, we waited for an “it is okay to come to the hospital” call. We went to lunch with my mom, sisters, and MIL. By mid afternoon, we got a call hinting that things were not looking in the direction of placement. We went home and just waited. No calls, nothing. The next day we got a call saying that she was going to place the baby in interim care while she decided, but she didn’t want us any more involved than we already were, because she knew this was very emotional for us as well. Friday morning, I braved going to work, and I got the call there saying she decided to parent. Our SW was great asking if I wanted her to come and meet me somewhere- she ended up meeting me at work and we talked for awhile. Then, I left to go tell T at his work. Our pastor at the time came over and prayed with me, but I was so angry with God for putting us that close and dashing it away, I had a hard time listening.

We decided to keep ourselves in the waiting pool of profiles and began to wait again.

It ended up being what felt like the longest and worst year of my life….