Guilt…
March 21, 2006I’m playing off N’s post about guilt in adoption.
As an adoptive parent, I think it is nearly impossible not to feel some sort of guilt about your happiness being brought about by a life-altering decision for the birthparents, their family, and in essence, the child you now have in common with them It has been said over and over again one of the best and worst days of your life as an adoptive parent is the day you take the child from the birthparents (for some literally, and others figuratively) and bring him/her home. You are all going home to a changed life, a presence added and a presence missing.
However, as an adoptive parent, I do feel that you cannot let the guilt over the placement take control. I think it makes the situation all that much harder to cope with. Whether the child is a newborn, toddler or older child, bonding needs to be done, new routines have to be developed and everything you were used to is thrown completely out of whack after the homecoming.
The other ongoing issue is guilt over whether the placement was done in as ethical a manner as possible.
There seems to be an overwhelming tendency for adoptive parents to say “What am I supposed to do? If I speak out about how things are handled, I’ll be ‘blackballed’ by the agency I’ve paid thousands to and our wait will be longer” I know that desparate feeling of wanting to parent a baby/child so badly, it controls everything you say or do.
But to me, the answer is obvious. Research, research, research and be very discriminating when making your choices about an agency or attorney or facilitator. Any agency that won’t give you a set amount in fees should be doubly researched. Any agency or attorney that promises you a “Fast-track” adoption or placement in X number of months I feel should be completely disregarded because no one knows how long the process will take. Same goes for an agency that seems to discount birthfathers’ role in the adoption. Don’t match with a birthmom that doesn’t want to name the birthfather for whatever reason (well, other than rape situations- to me, he already gave up his rights when he violated hers). Don’t match too early in the pregnancy. Be very careful in dealing with agencies that offer to birthparents “all expenses paid, etc.”- that seems like an awful lot of pressure to me on the expectant parents to place. There should be programs in place to help with rent, maternity clothing, food, etc., not coming from the adoptive parents’ pocket.
And to me, it goes without saying that you shouldn’t fight to keep the child from his/her birthfather. Once he says he wants to parent, it is custody issue between the two of them and as adoptive parents you don’t have a role in that. If a judge were to decide he was unfit to parent, then you could reenter the process if the mom still wants to place. I know that is hard to even think about having to return a child placed with you back to his/her birthfamily but I can’t imagine down the road telling your child your birthfather wanted to parent you but we fought to keep you. To me, that just doesn’t show your child you respect and love his/her biological roots.
…Have I mentioned lately that I am honored to know you? =)
Thanks and I, you
I completely agree with you on this. And I have been through it with my oldest son, who’s father insisted on parenting. You probably know some of it from my previous posts so I won’t go into it. Let’s just say I was dragging my feet and it has been THE struggle of my life but I respect him and he turned out to be a good dad. You have no idea how much it took for me to get to the point of saying that!
What do you say to an adoptive mom who took placement of a baby knowing the father was contesting the adoption, and waited for the court date and then rejoiced when the father’s rights were terminated? I just don’t know what to say there… can’t congratulate her, but don’t know if the father IS a real jerk and the judge knew what he/she was doing….
I want to ask her if she has thought about what might happen in a few years if that father keeps fighting? She could have to explain to a three year old why he might have to leave them…. it’s too terrifying to mention but I hope someone is talking to her about it. You know?
I was on an adoptive mom’s board a few years ago and there was a woman who was in a heated and prolonged battle 2-3 years with a father. She was praising that it was finally done. And I was just speechless. I don’t know if there was a backstory, but the woman was so audacious that it was hard to believe she wouldn’t air it if there was. She never said anything that indicated the father couldn’t parent except she had the baby in her home -get this — a month or so . The mother of the baby had lived with her while pregnant and for a short while after the placement.
I just never could see how anyone’s conscience could not see the wrongness in that.
I think I would add to your list - try and determine how much pressure is being put on the mother by her family to give the child up.
Regarding birth fathers…
As a birth mom and a lawyer I was consulted once by a birth father. The mother did not want to raise the child (because of family pressure) but he did.
He was strongly being discouraged from doing so by the children’s services agency who were telling him he did not have the resources, time etc.
I’m glad to see your readers concerned about this issue.
Just fyi I have been reunited with my son and he has also met his Dad,