Archive for March, 2006

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What to do…

March 5, 2006

I post on an adoption discussion board on Bethany Christian Services web site.

There had been a thread about a month ago, in which an adoptive mom C said some things that you could tell by her son’s birthmom V’s response she had no idea C thought these things and, of course, the adoption is final, so certainly V could not undo it, if she wanted to, plus J, the son, is the same age as Widget and has been in the adoptive family home and is attached to them. V has since essentially disappeared from the board- I can’t say that those posts are to blame but she is certainly not the same kind of poster she was before these things “came out”.

A new thread started the other day and in response to a post C made, I decided to send her a private message rather than post on the board what I was thinking.

C responded by publicly posting my private message “daring” me to own up to it. Why wouldn’t I? I did not say anything in there that makes me look poorly. I just told her that perhaps she ought to think about what she was posting and if she wanted V to read those feelings and thoughts in such a public way. I also tried to empathize with her because I am an adoptive mom in a similar open situation. And because she said she was a Christian before, I offered a prayer for her to find peace and happiness with her role as J’s adoptive mom and her relationship with V.

So now I’m stuck and a little bit hurt, not too much since this isn’t a “real-life” relationship, just an internet one…

Posted in Blogs & Forums & Such | 2 Comments »

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What’s A Christian

March 4, 2006

Maya Angelou

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin’”
I’m whispering “I was lost, now I’m found and forgiven”

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are far too visible but God believes I am worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches. So I call upon His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not holier than thou,
I’m just a simple sinner, who received God’s good grace somehow.

Posted in Lyrics and Writings, Seeking God | No Comments »

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Way to Widget part III

March 3, 2006

So I realized I never got to the adoption part of our family journey.

It took us about 18 months to come to the agreement that we were both ready to begin the adoption process. We had decided that we wanted to do a domestic adoption first, because we hoped to be able to have the parenting experience from newborn on. After some searching and some recommendations, we ended up choosing an agency and getting started on our homestudy. For us, the paperwork process took about six months. It takes less for some people, but we had to wait for classes to be offered and T took longer to complete his self-study (with a few arguments on my part about whether this meant he didn’t want to adopt or what). So we were finally approved and ready to go almost exactly two years after our final failed IVF cycle, November 2002.

And we waited

and waited

and waited

and waited

for 11 months, when we finally got a phone call from our SW saying an expectant mom had chosen our profile and wanted to meet us. Found out baby was a girl due beginning of November.

We met. It felt like it clicked. We met again, this time with her mom present. Things went well. We all hugged at the end of the second meeting and her mom asked if she could give the baby the things she had bought, which we said sure, we would love it and hoped we would be able to have some occasional visits with them and the expectant mom’s other children. We would see each other at the hospital.

Phone call came about 4 in the afternoon on November 4, 2003 that she was at the hospital. We waited and finally got a call in the morning November 5 around 9 that she was born in the early morning. I remember asking T as we were waiting for a call during the night, if he thought she would change her mind. He didn’t know but she seemed sure she was going to place that night at dinner.

After the morning call, we waited for an “it is okay to come to the hospital” call. We went to lunch with my mom, sisters, and MIL. By mid afternoon, we got a call hinting that things were not looking in the direction of placement. We went home and just waited. No calls, nothing. The next day we got a call saying that she was going to place the baby in interim care while she decided, but she didn’t want us any more involved than we already were, because she knew this was very emotional for us as well. Friday morning, I braved going to work, and I got the call there saying she decided to parent. Our SW was great asking if I wanted her to come and meet me somewhere- she ended up meeting me at work and we talked for awhile. Then, I left to go tell T at his work. Our pastor at the time came over and prayed with me, but I was so angry with God for putting us that close and dashing it away, I had a hard time listening.

We decided to keep ourselves in the waiting pool of profiles and began to wait again.

It ended up being what felt like the longest and worst year of my life….

Posted in Adoption, Depression dealings, Life with Widget, This Life of Mine | 1 Comment »

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Thoughts at 2 a.m.

March 3, 2006

So, my sleep pattern is truly screwed up from sleeping on and off all day while being sick, that I woke up at 1:45 a.m. and now I’m fairly awake and I was also actually hungry for the first time! Consumed a small bowl of instant oatmeal with crossed fingers for no retailation later. Food poisoning sucks- at least T & I weren’t the ones providing dinner Monday night, so we can’t be the cause :)

So what am I thinking about at 2 a.m.? (as if the lot of you really care- heh heh- blogs can be rather egotistical, can’t they PH?)

God and relationships and how I no longer feel a spiritual loneliness. I am still lonely at times for solid human contact- we’re humans, we need each other too. How we use that relationship with each other is an entirely different story and my relationship with God plays into my relationships with other people. Being at the beginning of my relationship with God, I find myself looking at my other relationships and wondering whether they are truly ones God wants me to have or not.

I don’t have a ton of friends. We see a lot of one couple, in particular, Rosie’s parents. That relationship is more complex than I even know how to describe. A lot has happened over the years, that looking back on it now from the perspective of having God in my life, I know that it isn’t the most healthy of relationships to be in. But I do truly care about them, and I am not sure it is possible to end it (especially now that we are using each other for one day a week of child care).

They are professed Christians - at least they have “done” all the things necessary to be members of a church. However, underneath it all, I wonder how much they really own the relationship they have with God, or if they really have one at all. They go to church, well, he does more than she does because Rosie won’t go to the nursery and they won’t take her into church. But they don’t do anything else about it that I’ve seen outside of Sunday mornings- and we spend a lot of time together, I’m sure I would have seen it.

Sometimes I wonder if God is keeeping me around them to help them understand what it truly means to be a Christian or if it is Satan trying to get me to screw things up again…

Posted in Depression dealings, Seeking God, This Life of Mine | No Comments »

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blah

March 2, 2006

Ugh, recovering from the joys of what i originally thought was the stomach flu but turns out to be more likely food poisoning as our friends came down with the same business within about 6 hours of me getting sick and we were all together on Monday night for dinner.

Fortunately Widget did not get sick as she didn’t eat any of the food. She had the run of the house yesterday while T and I lay on the pull-out couch, “wishing we would just die”.

Posted in This Life of Mine | No Comments »

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