Seeking God Knows What

I have been feeling lonely lately. Partially because T has been really busy with work and several nights is not home until either Widget is in bed or just about to go to bed. Partially because I don’t have a lot of friends and I’m at odds with the friends we primarily hang around with due to some things that happened in our history. I’m beginning to feel like perhaps it is really time to move away from them (they have been our friends since high school) and that it isn’t the healthiest of relationships for me to be in, or even T and I to be in together. So I’m left with nada but my sister who lives nearby and my mom to hang out with (besides T, of course). Woo hoo. Not that I don’t love them but you know you sometimes need people outside your family.

Sources for friends?

Work- not much option there. I’m hardly ever there and I just don’t connect with the people there very well. They are nice but well, we are not “cut from the same cloth”.

Church- we’ve made a few acquaintances at our new church through our Alpha group but now that the regular Sunday meetings are over, it has petered out. I suppose I could try and get in touch with the couple who have a daughter 5 months younger than Widget but I don’t want to force ourselves on them, know what I mean?

Neighbors- All are older except the couple next door and well, I don’t really approve of their treatment of each other. Fights outside consisting of f*** this, f*** that, deliberately revving his motorcycle early in the morning to piss her off (right outside our bedroom windows). Makes my neighborhood sound great, eh?

Part of my problem is that 99% of the time when I don’t hear from people, I think I’ve done something to upset them or they don’t want to be bothered spending time with me or that it is their sign to “leave me/us alone”. So I don’t persist because I don’t want to be that annoying person who wants to be your friend but you can’t stand to be around them type.

So I spend my time being “friends” with people on the internet

Saturday L (Widget’s firstmom) came over for a visit with her stepsister, S and her stepmom, R. Her dad was home with a sinus infection so he was unable to come. We haven’t seen them since January, so it was nice to have them here.

Widget was very silly and was showing off for them, bringing them books, being wild with her blocks. Goofy kid. They loved it though.

It always amazes me how easily she takes to them despite only seeing them a few times a year. She is generally very comfortable with people. We have never had serious separation anxiety with her. Usually if she is upset when we leave, it is because she wants to go to. But the connection with them is different. I can’t describe it.

The visits leave me feeling overwhelmed by so many different things. The physical resemblance. The things she already likes that L likes. Their love for her. My wondering as to why, really why, L felt she wanted to place vs. parent. Her sisters are all single parenting their daughters they had around L’s age and S is pregnant with her first and planning to parent, why didn’t she? If she regrets it. Whether they are all being denied what is “rightfully” theirs by us raising Widget. Wishing it were “easier” to get to know L- she is so quiet, it sometimes feels like I’m trying to drag conversation from her. Plus I never know what to say- there is an age gap, a background/lifestyle gap.

But I will never stop visits because of my insecurities.

This is a picture of my brother-in-law Staff Sargeant Kevin (with our local House Representative Pete Hoekstra) from his first tour with US Army in Iraq in 2003. He is currently serving his second tour and has been since November. He will hopefully be home sometime before Christmas. We just visited my sister and her kids in Tennessee (He’s stationed at Fort Campbell).

Just thinking about him and his fellow troops today along with all the families that have lost someone during this war.

We miss you a lot and pray for your safety.
You rock!

Someone asked what Widget is up to now that she is 18 months. So I thought I would write a non-whining post and talk about her.

She is an absolute hoot! This age is wonderful despite its challenges
She is more and more verbal every day and definitely tries to repeat nearly everything you say. Thank you, please, no, milk, juice, cup, more, food, fish, nigh-nigh, bye, hello, mama, dada, cat, dog, bath, book, video (yeah, I know that is perhaps a sign of too regular a thing)are just a small part of her word list. Mommy and Daddy now have to be much more careful with what we listen to when she is around. She is very, very good at animal sounds (cow, pig, sheep, rooster, bird, cat, dog, horse, monkey, duck), although she never wants to say them (or anything)when we see our doctor. One of these days, really! I swear she talks.

She runs, will jump when you say jump, spins in circles, climbs on everything, loves to go up and down stairs. She hasn’t attempted the great crib escape but I’m sure it will happen soon enough. She loves to be outdoors and will walk and walk and walk if you let her. She has tons of energy and is hardly ever still. She even moves around quite a bit in her sleep. We could never co-sleep because she is all over the place at night, which makes me a bit nervous about the eventual transition to a toddler/big girl bed.

She plays fairly independently building towers with blocks or her Quatro Legos (giant duplos), reading books, pushing her doll stroller around the house. I’m noticing more signs of imaginative play, i.e. we bought her a little plastic dishes set and she will put the cups and saucers together with a spoon and pretend to eat and she will bring a set to you to share. She is beginning to get the concept of puzzles and can do basic shapes and her farm one pretty well on her own. She loves to play her musical instruments (shakers, jinglers, xylophone)- well, she loves music in general, always dancing when she hears it!

She will run down the hall when you suggest a bath and get her bath toys out to toss in the tub. She tends to run away and “hide” when it is time to change her diaper or change her clothes, although she is now beginning to indicate that she has a poopy diaper by pulling on her diaper and going “ewww” :p She usually goes to bed pretty easily (now that we are past the transition to no bottles) and wakes up happy. She loves her B (blanket- well, multiple really) and has to have every single one out of the crib in the morning.

She does have a definite temper and makes her opinion known- particularly when it comes to diaper changes, coming inside, riding in her carseat/stroller/cart, being carried when she wants to walk, getting out of the tub, things contrary to what she wants. We are working on no pushing, hitting, biting, pulling on shirt collars and figuring out the best method of discipline. She gives great kisses and cuddles, likes to sit and read stories with you- finding the little mouse on all the color pages of “Good Night Moon” is a particular favorite. She is ticklish, has a contagious laugh and can be quite silly.

She is my world.

It is 2 P.M. and we are still in our pajamas. Yesterday, I thought I might go to Target today since it has been oh, gosh, almost two weeks since I set foot in the store and we are getting low on diapers and wipes. Then this morning came and my level of interest in doing anything is apparently minimal since, other than playing for a while with Widget and reading her some stories before her nap, I’ve done nothing but read an entire blog.

Ugh and I need to do housework. The dirty dishes are actually piling up in the kitchen. Normally, T would probably have done them by now but he hasn’t been home from work until after 9 the last two nights and probably won’t be home until then tonight. Normally, I hate to have dirty dishes left out but these have been here since, ummm, Wednesday morning I think. Plus there’s laundry, bathrooms to clean, Cheerios to vacuum up.

Now Widget looks like an orange monster from her mini raviolis and she has done some fabulous “finger painting” on the table. Guess I should give her a bath.

Well, at least today the tv is off

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

My mother wrote this verse in my birthday card and made me cry.