Seeking God Knows What

So last night I spent most of the evening with the 4 other women in our group of friends. We talked about how most of us will be 30 next year (plus one of the husbands) and decided we needed to have a “We’re 30″ party rather than having 5 separate parties. We also talked a bit about the joys of having 2 year-olds since three of us have them.

I didn’t tell them about my recent “retreat”. There were a couple of times I felt like I should. These women have been my friends for years and we are pretty close. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to deal with the looks, the stigma that comes with making that statement.

And of course, we talked about the pregnancy as she was there. Full of mixed feelings about it. Some of it surrounding seeing her. Truthfully, despite everything that has happened, I miss her and the awkwardness that has developed because we aren’t talking to each other very much sucks. It is funny because I don’t see the other women in the group very much either, maybe once every 6-8 weeks, sometimes longer between but I don’t miss them in the same way and there is no awkwardness, we just launch into conversations as if we saw each other yesterday.

Most of it, though, had to do with my intense emotions surrounding her pregnancy. I bought her a baby gift, just an inexpensive cute wooden baby toy (it’s the little caterpillar in the bottom left corner) from the toystore where I used to work. I have no idea why I did it. It was like this compulsion that I had to acknowledge it. There’s this part of me that thinks “how could she do this to me?” which I know is absolutely ridiculous as it is their decision about when to expand their family, my feelings don’t come into play. And this was conscious decision on their part as they had some medical assistance to achieve this. I do wonder if they are as stable as they think they are in their relationship based on some past history. Last time around, they clearly weren’t. But again, what I think doesn’t matter and I don’t know why I’m even wondering about it.

I thought I would be okay, now that we have Widget, who is so very much my child even without the biological connection. That it wouldn’t be as hard as last time. But it hurts. God, it hurts. Never will I hear my child’s heartbeat. Never will I feel my baby move inside. Never will I shop for maternity clothes to wear. Never.