Seeking God Knows What

We got an offer on our house.

It is a bit of a low ball as in $11,900 less than listed and $17,000 less than we paid for it 3 years ago (A LOT less than we owe thanks to the bad, bad mortgage refi we did- I have a lot of words about that- none of them nice, some directed at me for letting us get taken in by a shoddy group). I don’t think values have dropped that much but maybe I’m wrong.

We decided, though, it is in the mortgage company’s hands- well, once we get the paperwork in tomorrow. Who knows what they’ll do.

I’m feeling a mish mash of emotions today.

We helped our friends move. They are moving back to our hometown, where we are planning to move whenever we get out of this house. I’ve got that stupid jealous feeling of wanting to be moved too, wanting to buy a house and not rent an apartment -I have yet to find a house or duplex that I would even consider renting. We know we can’t buy a house because we checked after we came across a house which would have the same P&I payment as renting will cost us in the neighborhood we want to live in (it is the neighborhood we left when we moved here). And I have to say that some of these feelings have to do with the fact that our friends moved into that neighborhood. It is kind of like I want to say “But that is where I want to live. It was my neighborhood first.” If we do end up moving there down the road, people are going to think we moved there to be close to them- my sisters both said it to me when I told them we saw a house we were interested in, as in “why do you want to move close to them?”

And I’m sad for a lot of reasons. It has been a complicated friendship over the years and after talking to #5, I said I still want to be friends with her despite all this but I know their move changes that. It won’t be quite as easy to say “Let’s have dinner together” because we won’t be 5-10 minutes away from each other, at least until we move. It sounds like they have a really social neighborhood and there are a couple families in it with kids similar ages to their daughter and Widget, plus they are having the new baby and so is one of their neighbors (one of the ones with a 2 year old). What if she makes connections with that mom because of that? It isn’t that I want to be her only friend, obviously I’m not and that would be weird-it is just I know how things go with her and new friends- that is one of the complicated things.

Plus I’m having some anxiety about whether our house IS going to sell. We’ve dropped the price to below what we paid for it. Most of our feedback is positive, they like it, majority of the people think it is listed close to market price but no one since the first group that came through back at the end of October wants to come through again. I’m not really sure what else we can do. We are going to do some yard and exterior touch-ups since we finally hitting spring. I’m sure the big detractor is that the listing the realtor gets states that sale is subject to short sale approval by our mortgage company and people don’t want to get stuck waiting for our mortgage company to say yes or no, so they find something else.

Despite this mish mash, I’m still feeling so much better overall. It is just amazing how different I feel. Even my boring job isn’t so bad. I still ought to look for something else that might challenge me a bit more but I have such flexibility there, I hesitate to lose that.

But now I’m tired. Moving is a lot of work and I did about 10% of the work the guys did today. This is the first time our friends have moved since they got married 8 years ago. I was unpacking some stuff and he said to me I have no idea how you guys move every couple of years or so (it has been 1 yr-1 yr-2 yrs-3 yrs-3 yrs if we move this summer). I laughed and said I’ve learned the art of purging and I will be doing so again before we move this time But my plan is to rent for 2-3 years and then buy a house where we want to live while our kids grow up by the summer before Widget goes to kindergarten. When we buy will, of course, depend on how quickly we pay off our astronomical debt but it is good incentive to stick to the plan we put together, which includes attempting to fix T’s truck and selling the car (anyone want to buy a fully loaded 2003 Focus Wagon?) he’s driving now-it is the one we can sell for what we owe or more, if fixing the truck doesn’t work, we’ll sell that, put that money down on something with a payment $175/mo or less -the lower the better- we don’t have any money to buy a car straight out, otherwise we would.

Okay I’m really going to bed now because I want to go to church tomorrow. I haven’t been there two weeks in a row and I have missed it!!

It was a good choice to make an appointment with #5. He helped me
gain some perspective on the whole deal. He also reassured me that
this was not a major setback, just a momentary pause, that he thought
I had the strength to get through it and move on. Ya know what? He
is right- I already feel better

#5 and I were talking yesterday about me sticking with therapy this time. We determined that one of the key things was an acknowledgment on my part of what was truly going on in my life. During my previous attempts at therapy, as soon as I knew my “surface self” was able to stay intact, I quit. The last thing I wanted was to be defined as depressed because that was my mother. Despite being an intelligent individual, I had completely wrapped myself around that idea that being depressed meant things like panic attacks, suicide attempts, and a lot of other “nuttiness” based on my experience with her and that if I acknowledged it, I was destined for that path. Better to avoid than to acknowledge.

All well and good until two summers ago, when the cumulation of decisions made in a depressed state of mind left me feeling as if all I was destined for was this sense of nothingness, hoplessness, failure. I couldn’t even turn to God because at that point, I wasn’t even sure He was there. If He was, it sure as hell felt like He didn’t give a damn about me. There were moments when I thought why didn’t I die when I was 5 and had cancer? It seemed to me that I had lived and f***d up the lives of those around me.

But one thing happened in the midst of all this, (okay, it was through my e-mail discussions with PH), I acknowledged that the roots of where my life stood then were seeded in depression, some of it stemming from a chemical imbalance that the antidepressant I was taking didn’t alleviate enough, some of it stemming from my childhood cancer and my resulting infertility.

Now it took a full year of finding God but still feeling lost, of messing up some more, trying to change medications and feeling myself falling before I began to think I need help. More help than PH could or should give. After having #5’s name suggested to me twice, once by PH (who also knew at that point more help was needed) and our pastor, I took the plunge. I called #5. He was on vacation. That was hell. Because I knew that if I didn’t go as soon as I could, I would be able to bring myself to a point where I might not go. When he called back and had the next evening open, I just flat out said I would be there and I literally talked myself through driving there, getting out of the car, waiting and feeling that if he didn’t open his door soon, I might bolt. Of course as soon as I thought that, the door opened. And then he asked me why I was there, at which point I completely fell apart and this chaos of emotions, thoughts that had been tumbling around my mind for years began coming out.

It has been 8 months and enough sessions that I have truly lost track of the number, along with my *fabulous retreat* (you know I checked in just for the food, and the fact that I could paint on the walls or color and make muffins), but I am healing. I can feel it and it is so incredibly different than I have felt in years and years, maybe ever. I know it isn’t over and it may never be fully over.  But I acknowledge my depression exists.

And by acknowledging it, I am learning to take control over it instead of it controlling me.

Boo.

I made it home but I am most definitely sick.  I am about to drag my achy feverish sore throat exhausted self to bed.  It is absolutely no fun to drive 8 hours when you feel like this.

I feel as if I’m running out of things to blog about….

In fact, I’m feeling kind of bored with the internet in general.

Hmmm…

Wonder what that is all about?!?

Drunk squirrel video

This is one of those things where I know I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it
And whine cause I have a sore throat and no energy, somehow I have to drive myself and Widget back to Michigan so I can work Monday.

To warm weather in TN. It was a beautiful day for a drive but it gets kind of long when it is just you and your two-year-old.  This will probably be my last visit here since they leave for Colorado at the end of April.  :-(  Much further away, a trip I won’t really want to drive on my own.

So somehow my addled brain decided it would be a good idea to host a baby shower for my on-again, off-again friend. Yes, this is her second baby but really I do think every baby deserves a shower, I just figure showers for second babies should be geared around the little things you need new plus some special gifts, rather than helping outfit the family with all the equipment like first baby showers. I determined that it would be an after baby arrives deal since they did not find out the sex, so this way we could help with gender specific stuff plus meet the new baby plus they are moving sometime in these last 8 weeks before baby is due.

The first e-mail I got from her regarding plans stated that she thought we should have it at a restaurant here in Grand Rapids because my location may be up in the air due to the possibility of us moving. The majority of the women who would be invited live and/or work in GR. She also gives me a date that is only 5 days after her due date (Is she nuts? Wishful thinking that she will deliver early?

In reply, I told her that I figured I would know whether I would be here still or have moved (we are both moving to the same town) when it came time to send the invitations. I also told her it had crossed my mind that I might talk to our Mutual Friend 1 about using her condo as a location but I would do all the work if we were going to be moved but a restaurant would be fine if that was what she wanted.

Tonight I received this e-mail from her:

Hey,

Here’s the scoop on the baby shower….

I worked today and mentioned it to Mutual Friend 1 about maybe having the shower at her place, and she was totally up for that. So, we’re going to plan on Saturday, May 12th around 11:00 or 11:30 (specific time TBD) at Mutual Friend 1’s place and was thinking a brunch/lunch type of thing would be nice. I have names and addresses, but will get those put together and email them to you later tonight.

Mutual Friend 2 said she’s be happy to help you with food or set-up if you’d like. Also, one of the ladies I work with offered to bring a dish to pass if needed. I told her I’d talk to you and let her know if there is anything she could bring.

While I know this is a shower for her, does this mean I am not allowed to actually plan it? I already had in my head what I was going to do plus I had planned on discussing with Mutual Friend 1 the whole idea of having it at her place myself, I just hadn’t had a chance yet. I did, in fact, talk to Mutual Friend 1 this evening after receiving this e-mail in order to let her know I had no idea or intention of dumping the shower onto her. She laughed and said she figured as much but she was perfectly happy to have it at her place and she did want to help with the cost. She also said our friend had already pretty much told the women they work with that this was the date, so they could mark it off on their calendars. Her comment was, “do ya think she wants gifts?” Gee, ya think so?

What was I thinking?????

Head. Wall.