Being an adoptive mother
April 8, 2007This post has been brewing in my head for a while now.
I no longer know what to say to women who relinquished and wish they hadn’t, women who feel that they were coerced, victims of a flawed system.
Nor to adoptees that hurt, are angry, feel rejected, outcast, lost.
Yes, I’m sorry they hurt.
Yes, I’m sorry the people they trusted failed them.
Yes, the system sucks.
Yes, I want it to be reformed both domestically and internationally.
Yes, I wish money didn’t rule the world and alter people’s sense of what is right/wrong.
Yes, I will do my damndest to make sure our next child’s adoption is done as ethically as I can possibly make it.
Yes, I can choose which agency I will work with, one that I respect and trust to provide all the information to someone experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.
Yes, I can push for open records for my children, because it seems ridiculous to me that they are not allowed to have their original birth certificate.
Yes, I make mistakes and regret them but the wrongs of adoption are not my fault because I’m an adoptive parent. Nor are they God’s fault. They are the fault of a world full of sin. A world of sin causes a world of pain, loss, sadness.  For me, believing in God, Jesus’ resurrection and the forgiveness of my sins means I have His grace and forgiveness, strength to carry on through these things because in the world after this, there is nothing that can harm me.
But….
I cannot control others.
I cannot go behind the closed doors of sessions between “birthparent” counselors and expectant parents, and try to stop all the subtle things being said that might make them choose adoption over parenting.
I cannot take an expectant mom who tells me she doesn’t feel ready or want to parent and force her to parent because I think she can do it. Nor do I feel that I should be the one to be saying here are all these reasons you should parent. In fact, my only role in an adoption plan prior to termination of rights is to respect the expectant parents and their rights as mom/dad to this child.
I cannot undo the past and fix the world for you.
I cannot help the moments I look at my daughter and actually forget she is not mine biologically.
And….
I am allowed to feel entitled to parent my child and the other children that come to our family.
I am allowed to hope that my child will grow up to be a well-rounded, compassionate person who loves God and while she knows she came to our family by adoption, it is not what defines who she is.
I am allowed to believe in God’s infinite wisdom and love to know how my children will join my family.
I am allowed to believe that sometimes in an effort to become a parent, we forget that it isn’t all about us and our desire to be parents.
I am allowed believe that most families built by adoptions which may have been done unethically, did so unintentionally. I do know that there are bad apples in the world. But much of the time as adoptive parents, we are doing what we think is right based on the information we are given at the time. We trust those in the field and we don’t often know who we shouldn’t trust.
I am allowed to just be a mom, and not have to qualify it all the time by saying I’m a mom through adoption.
Thank you for this post. I’m in tears. I have spent so much time reviewing our choices to become parents through adoption. And this post really put everything that has come into my mind onto paper. Thank you. All I wanted to be was a Mom and I did my best to make sure the people we chose had ethics. We did our best when we finally met the expecting parents (not first parents) to make sure we weren’t stepping in their way of making the right decision for their child. Of making sure they knew we supported whatever decision they made. We did our best. Now all I want to do is to raise these little amazing people into a man and woman of character and integrity ready to be a part of the world, to make their God-given contributions. And pray each day I don’t screw up. And all I really want is to feel like their mom. Thank you.
wow. Perfect. Thanks. I wish I could comment more, but you said it all perfectly.
Yes!
Just because I love my daughter and rejoice every morning that she is with me, doesn’t mean that I am negating my feelings of love and compassion towards K. I can acknowledge her pain while still loving my daughter.
Mary
YEs, Yes, and Yes….I love this post…truthful and caring
Sounds like you need a break from reading us, from hearing our perspective, and that is okay. Sometimes I need a break from reading aparents and their perspective.
FWIW I don’t take you celebrating your mommyhood and N as an affront to my loss. And I don’t think you have a responsibility to change the world, either… just a responsibility to use your knowledge to be a good mommy to N, which you ARE doing.
I am grateful when aparents join in helping to change the world, but I don’t want ANYone to do it at the cost of their own mental health or their own parenting of their kids. Hell sometimes I need a break from it for those very reasons… for my health, for family. And besides… just raising N to be allowed to have her own feelings, just respecting N’s first mom, that IS a part of changing the world–a hugely important part.
So anyway, all this to say, quit reading us for a good long while if you need to. I won’t consider you “the enemy” over that, promise. =)
Awesomely said. Thanks for saying it.
Em
“I am allowed to just be a mom, and not have to qualify it all the time by saying I’m a mom through adoption.”
I couldn’t agree more with this statement!
Thanks for sharing.
Yes, Erin, my thoughts exactly sometimes. You put it down perfectly.
I just found this post — an insomniac working her way through some tags and this really speaks to me. Thank you for this. I like it.