Sometime I get the feeling that there is this implication that being a Christian meant I had to subscribe to the idea that adoption is a God-given mission. That we are called to adopt, and that we are supposed to believe God created those those children to be adopted by us. I posted about this on one of the adoption forums I read (also one with some turmoil going on) and since I’m lazy, I just copied and pasted 
Post 1:
I am a Christian.
Being a Christian does not mean I have to believe exactly the same as you about anything other than in these things:
There is only one God. He sent His son down to Earth in the form of Jesus Christ, who was crucified, died, was buried and on the third day was resurrected. He sacrificed His son for the forgiveness of our sins.
Being a Christian does not mean I have to subscribe to the idea that adoption is a God-given mission for people. In fact, that idea makes me want to vomit. I think when a woman relinquishes, God weeps for her and wishes that the sin in this world that causes these things had never happened. And He loves her and He holds her in His heart and hands.
I am not a saint for adopting my daughter. My daughter’s adoption was not to SAVE her from the life she would have had with her firstmother. She would have had a different life, she would have been a different person with different experiences both good and bad.
Remember the post someone had about the difference between God’s will and God’s plan? God’s will would be that there was no sin. Our free will means we mess up what God’s will for us is but He always has a plan for whatever situation we are in. On some things, we will not know why things happened the way they did until the afterlife. In this life, I will never know why I was the one in my family to have cancer, not my sisters or parents.
I imagine that every member here wants their child’s adoption to have been done in the most ethical manner possible, whether you are a firstparent or an adoptive parent (or p-adoptive parent). I don’t think any of the adoptive parents here have any intentions of being deceitful in terms of how their children joined their family. So please do not think that is what I’m saying when I say the following:
Closing your ears and eyes to the realities of adoption just hurts you as the adoptive parent. If we all joined together and worked hard for adoption reform and truly believed in the value of open adoption for the child, think of what we could do! In the end, reform benefits all of us in the triad.
Sigh. I hope this doesn’t come across wrong…
ETA: I do know that in international adoption many children would be living in poverty and orphanages for the rest of their lives. So I know that in essence, they are “saved” from that existence. I do wish we could use some of our excessive wealth as a First World country to wipe out poverty but that is a whole other topic. I also recognize that children adopted from foster care are also in essence “saved” from being in foster care their entire lives. I am primarily speaking about infant domestic adoption where so often the child was placed in a permanent solution to temporary situations.
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Post 2:
First of all, I didn’t post this and then run away. I went to the local symphony with my dad 
Okay to clarify:
I DO think God has a hand in adoptions that are done ethically and responsibly. That He knows just which families are supposed to be joined together. I do not mean He created the child to be placed but since placement was going to happen due to free will, He guides people together.
I DO think there are occasions in domestic infant adoption where adoption is in the best interest of a child. Situations where the safety of the child would be in question or situations where Child Services would automatically be involved if the mom didn’t voluntarily release. The thing is much of the time in infant adoption it is fear, insecurity, self-esteem that are the deciding factor to a placement. Nicole is a prime example of how this happens, yet everyone called it a Christian placement, what a gift, how she did the right thing. Yes, there are cases where the women who placed probably could have capably parented (Tulip, Amber, Lost Mason, DayDreamer, LizzyBetinTX, and other firstmoms) but they knew they were not ready to parent or didn’t want to parent (there is no shame in this).
I DO think that God puts a desire in us to be parents but to me it isn’t a call. It isn’t a mission, just as to me parenting isn’t a mission. I don’t think many of you would say that God called you to become pregnant (if you were able to be pregnant). To be perfectly honest, I have issues with the whole idea of missions except when they are to just go out and do good works- as in some of the awesome things my church is doing this year throughout the world- building schools in Haiti and in Ecuador, clinics in Queens New York, rebuilding in Katrina areas.
I DO think God moves through us in ways we just cannot even fathom. He brings people in and out of our lives for a reason, reasons we may never know.
To me, if Adam and Eve hadn’t allowed sin into the world, then it would be perfect, there would be no infertility, no adoption, no poverty, no war, no cancer, no sudden death, we would all be happy, perfect. But since God gave us free will, and they ate from the tree in the garden, our world is imperfect. Sin is never going fully away, so cancer exists, loss exists, grief exists, poverty exists, war exists. And to me, that is how adoption comes into it. In essence, it is from the fallout of the first sin.
I know there is much that is unethical in international adoptions. And huge struggles in foster adoptions, when sometimes a child lingers in foster care for too long.
I know that there are people who work in the adoption field who are doing honest work both domestically and internationally. And I know that sometimes situations occur where something is unintentionally done and of course, we cannot control others’ actions. Nothing in life is completely under our control, except some of the mundane things like laundry and dishes 
tishslp: trust me, I do not think God wants to vomit And I do, in fact, think that God blesses your family as He blesses mine as He blesses all families, no matter how they were formed. But I strongly feel that He cries out in sadness for the sin (by this I do not mean the individual sin but the inherent sin in this world) that caused this loss every time a child is placed.
Does any of this make any sense?
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Post 3:
| 79nicole wrote: |
| Well here’s the thing… the real meat and potatoes… by claiming that they were meant to adopt my child (Moonbeam), her aparents are also claiming that I was meant to lose Moonbeam. That might not be true in every case… it might be like erin said, it might be that once free will had already decided to relinquish, THEN the adoptive parents were chosen by God to adopt. But that can’t be true in my case, because my whole relinquishment decision hinged on Marie’s parents be willing to adopt her. Yet I lost her through unethical means. So what does that say? (PLEASE NOTE: I do not blame Moonbeam’s parents for the adoption. There were many other little things that, if different, would have caused me to parent, too. But they ARE one factor, and it IS absolutely true that if they hadn’t been on Bethany’s waiting families list, I wouldn’t have relinquished. Again–too long a story to get into, but it’s true.) So…. in our case… if they say God called them to adopt Moonbeam, if they make the judgment that she was meant to be part of their family, they are ALSO judging what God had in store for MY life…In other words, they’d be doing exactly what you’re railing against: judging for another person (me) what was part of God’s plan for that person’s life (me).
This is a sticky topic, absolutely. And of course I have a hard time believing “God” calls anyone, since I don’t believe in a conscious God. But I understand everyone has their own beliefs, and that’s fine, I’m not trying to negate those.
But I have to point out that when people are SURE they were called to adopt their particular child, it’s possible that they’re also implying that the birth mom was meant to relinquish her child. So yes, they’re making a judgment about another person’s life and the plan for that person’s life. Not always, but in some cases. |
(((Nicole)))
This has had me thinking since I read it. I should be going to bed but instead I’m posting 
When I’m talking about free will in terms of relinquishment, I wasn’t thinking actually of your individual free will to place Moonbeam. In fact, in your case, I really feel that in light of everything pressing down on you at the time, you had no choice, no real say in placing Moonbeam. (I can’t wait for the comments on that one ). What I meant to come across was that the collective free will of society causes relinquishment. Yes, your individual free will had a role, the “counselor” you had had a role, your parents, M, Moonbeam’s birthfather and his wife, all these collective decisions led to relinquishment on your part. I do NOT think God creates children to be adopted by particular families or that He uses women to be the carriers of these children and then be raised by other families. When I say Widget was supposed to be my child, I don’t mean those things. I just mean that God placed a desire in me to parent, life and decisions led to L choosing to relinquish, God had a hand in connecting us at the “right time and right place”. It was not as a judgment on L on His part. If life and decisions had led to her parenting, He would have connected us with another child some day. I’m not sure I’m explaining this right. And I know that you have struggled with the concepts of Christianity for years, so that makes slightly more difficult to communicate what I’m saying.
Maybe if I equate to me having cancer as a child, it might make more sense. I have struggled long and hard with why *I* was the one in my family to have cancer, why *I* had to be infertile on top of that, why *I* lived and other kids didn’t/don’t survive the exact same thing. I don’t think in creating me, God thought this one will have cancer. God didn’t choose me. The fallout from the first sin is the root of it. Absolutely nothing I could have done or my parents could have done or anyone could have changed me having to deal with cancer at young age. It is just part of this crazy, winding, bumpy, rollercoaster of a journey of life with its deep dark pits of despair and glimpses of grace and joy that I am on. And even, though I know you aren’t a Christian, I expect I’ll find you in my afterlife. Oooo, now there’s a topic for debate
