Seeking God Knows What

1. I’m thinking about going back to wordpress.com when my $1.00 for a year of hosting is up at surpasshosting.com. But I’m going to keep my domain name and point it to my wordpress.com blog, so you won’t have to change links again. I’ve determined that the advantages aren’t worth the monthly fees for hosting. When that happens, I’ll probably be down for a little while while the DNS changes over. I am going to be double posting (I think) between the two….I’m still getting hits and comments at the old site.

2. I still feel unsettled in our apartment. I also feel somewhat guilty because any time someone asks us about where we moved, I fudge and say we ended up getting an apartment as we ran out of time to find a house. I’m struggling with feeling like I’ve taken a step backwards in terms of how life is supposed to go. Plus I obviously don’t want to share with all the people that ask about all our money crap. Of course, I have blathered about it on here my partially anonymous open to the world blog. Heh. How’s that for keeping it on the down low?

3. I’ve had some really vivid dreams ever since we moved, all of them distressing. One full of arguing between myself and my mom over her relationship with my dad and her notion that he is an alcoholic. Another with some really intense conversations with Widget’s firstmom’s dad about how devastated L is over having placed Widget with us and how it is all our fault for wanting to raise a child from babyhood; and that they wanted us to turn custody back over to L. Guess I have some things to sort out here.

4. Speaking of L, we are supposed to get together with them this weekend. I have been completely procrastinating about calling and confirming the visit and determining where we are going to meet, since we are no longer in Grand Rapids. I know I’m dealing with some issues regarding feeling like we failed L by not being as financially stable as we should have been before adopting. They don’t know about any of it and I don’t really want to talk about it with them, even though there is a part of me that knows “honesty is the best policy” with open adoption.

5. We are having some discipline issues with Widget. She has really gotten into pinching, hitting and jumping on me, sometimes because I’m doing something she doesn’t like- like her hair; other times for absolutely no reason at all. I’ll sit down on the couch to be near her and she starts kicking me. I have purchased two books: 1-2-3 Magic and The No Cry Discipline Solution. I’m hoping one of these or a combination of these will help us with her because I’m feeling like a pretty shitty parent lately, when my interaction with her is primarily, “No” “Stop” “If you do that again, you are going in time out” “I will spank you if you keep this up”. Blech. Along with her lovely trend of putting too much food in her mouth and gagging/throwing up. She’s done this a few times now, last night of course when we were meeting with our new small group from church (I’m so excited about this, all couples around our age with kids Widget’s age and younger)- fortunately we met at a park for dinner and were outside when she did it, even after we told her she needed to take smaller bites.

6. And tomorrow I turn 30. No more 20s. I’m trying to determine if this year was better than the last couple. It has had some pretty rough spots but I think the overall trend has been up instead of down. I don’t feel like I should be 30 or married 10 years (on Flag day!).