I’ve been ordered
May 22, 2007Okay, well, maybe not ordered but told by #5 during my appointment today to seriously think about taking myself out of the adoption-related internet world.
He also suggested backing away from visits with L and her family until Widget is older but I’m not so sure about that. Note: I still have not called her about this weekend.
In talking with #5 about the fact that I feel guilty for not having myself in order financially, emotionally and what not prior to adopting Widget and that moving into an apartment feels like this huge backstep in what we said we were in meeting her, out came the underlying issue: I am struggling with this idea in my head that I was wrong for wanting to adopt a baby. That this made adopting about me and my “baby itch” and not just about wanting to parent a child because I/we didn’t choose foster-adopt or adoption from an orphanage. And that I want to adopt an infant again.
All the reading I have done about loss for the first parents and the child, all the subtle coercion in adoption, the heated discussions where adoptive parents are called “baby snatchers”, the idea of returning custody when an adoption was unethical, even just the open unheated dialog that is going on about ethical adoption is feeding this idea.
Every time I read a post about a first parent’s grief, I’m consumed with this fear that L is hiding her grief from us and she regrets the adoption but doesn’t know how to tell us.
I can’t stop thinking about it. About how to change things. About how to know if an adoption is ethical. About what God would really want us to do in regards to adoption, particularly domestic infant adoption. About whether I’m just thinking about myself and not about what is right.
Anything that happens with Widget that is probably just age-related or temperament-related, I wonder if it has to do with adoption loss. If her tantrums have more to do with the loss of L than with whatever provoked them.
It is doing me in.
I can only imagine your emotional torment. It cannot be good to be second guessing everything.
When I see my best friend with her child (who happens to be adopted) I never once think about it that way … He was meant to be with her and her husband … You must believe that Widget is meant to be with you as your child
“I can’t stop thinking about it. About how to change things. . . . Anything that happens with Widget that is probably just age-related or temperament-related, I wonder if it has to do with adoption loss. If her tantrums have more to do with the loss of L than with whatever provoked them.
It is doing me in.”
I could have written those words myself. It can be exhausting and soul-depleting sometimes to stay mired in the negativity that’s in some of Bloggerville. I took a forced break by going on vacation and it did me a world of good. Right now I’m able to put things in better perspective (”right now” being the key words).
But we are doing our best; I’m sure Widget is thriving; I know Nate is. How can what we’re doing be so wrong when our children are doing so beautifully?
I don’t think adoption is either all good or all bad but a mix of the two, and I also think that we need to both be realistic but in some ways need to, at least when our kids are small, not feel so guilty about our parts in it or that may seep into our parenting of them. You know?
I do understand. I really do. *hugs* to you. It’s a tough struggle. But if it is weighing you down so much, then yes, maybe some kind of break is in order until you can gain some kind of perspective. Focus on your wonderful family. They’re what really matters, after all. )