Seeking God Knows What

It has been absolutely crazy this week with my sister here.

I’ve hardly had a moment to think straight. Widget has not been getting enough sleep so she is super whiny cranky child. And my sister’s kids- I love them all dearly but, boy, I’m about ready to throttle the older two because of their constant bickering and tattling.  At the moment, they have left Widget and I alone here at home so hopefully, I can get her to take a nap.  I do think I’m going to have some things to get off my mind when I finally see #5 again in ten days. (then again, when don’t I?)

I’m actually looking forward to our family vacation next week because I am primarily going to sit and read a couple books, let Widget play in the lake, do nothing of any real importance and I’m not even going to find a way to check my e-mail!

My brother gave me Carrie Underwood’s cd Some Hearts for my birthday a couple weeks ago.

I absolutely love it and drive T crazy by constantly playing it in the car when we go anywhere.

Anyway, I love the lyrics to this song because it is relevant to every life lived.  I know how much I have changed and learned, even in the last couple of years.  How I have begun to recognize that everything that has happened in my life has shaped who I am and how I view the world but no one thing is all I am.

Lessons Learned
(Words & Music by Diane Warren)

There’s some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some better endings
Been some bad times I’ve been through
Damage I could not undo
Some things I wish I could do all all over again
But it don’t really matter
When life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger, oh
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes
From every day I wondered how I’d get through the night
From every change life has thrown me
I’m thankful for every break in my heart
I’m grateful for every scar
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

There’s mistakes that I have made
Some chances I just threw away
Some roads I never should’ve taken
Been some signs I didn’t see
Hearts that I hurt needlessly
Some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend
But it don’t make no difference
The past can’t be re-written
You get the life you’re given, oh
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes
From every day I wondered how I’d get through the night
From every change life has thrown me
I’m thankful for every breath in my heart
I’m grateful for every scar
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

And all the things that break you
Are all the things that make you strong
You can’t change the past coz it’s gone
And you gotta just move on
It’s all lessons learned

Bridge with new changes:
and all the things that break you
Are all the things that make you strong
You can’t change the past cuz it’s gone
You just gotta move on
Because it’s all lessons learned

I’m trying to figure out how to link an online version of the song to this post but I haven’t gotten it down yet!

We spent yesterday and much of today at our friend’s family cottage about an hour north of where we live. It has become our annual gathering, going on for the last 8 years. We either spend the night or just a day enjoying the sun, the lake- our friend rents a sea doo (something I haven’t ventured onto yet). Having kids has made it a more toned-down gathering in the last few years but we still have a good time seeing each other and catching up. We see some of the group very frequently but others, this is maybe one of three or four times a year.

I have to admit after the last couple of years, I was starting to think maybe we would begin to bow out, thanks to some relationship dynamics that always seemed to provoke additional stress and anxiety- not what a weekend with friends is supposed to be like.   But we had fun this year (other than when the 3 two-year-olds all became whiny due to short naps and not enough sleep!) and got a little sunburned, except Widget with her SPF50 sunscreen.

Now I have several loads of laundry to do and stuff to put away, before Tuesday when I head to Chicago to retrieve my sister M and her three kids at the airport.  They are descending on us for two weeks, well, one week here and one week on the family vacation.  They are flying in and were supposed to stay with my parents….  That is, until last Friday when my mother decided she would be too overwhelmed.  And I don’t have a session with #5 again until July 9- Am I nuts? We scheduled 3 weeks between this time.  At first, I was fine with that but now as a week has gone past and I still have two weeks to go, I’m finding myself having more anxiety than in past few weeks.  Bleh.

Anyway, here are some pictures of Widget enjoying the weekend:

And a random one of Widget in the tub with her Dora swim ring:

I’m sitting here ignoring Widget’s hollering at me to get her out of her crib.  She seems to think she no longer needs naps.  However, when she doesn’t sleep, she is Miss WhinyPants all afternoon.

She isn’t crying, just periodically shouting “Mama, I want out.  No nap. Never ever anymore!”  I keep hoping if I ignore her, she will give in and fall asleep.

I’m not ready for her to give up naps.

My dearest car stereo

You are driving me crazy.

I know not from one time to the next

if you will turn on

or not.

And if you do,

will you stay on?

Or will you

in the midst of my favorite song

just turn off

again?

You are now my 3rd stereo

so I am beginning to think

it is not you

but the car.

ARGH

I’m pissed.

My cell phone rings this morning and I assumed it was my sister MK who always calls at 9 am , but it wasn’t. They asked for T, who happens to be home since we had originally planned to go up north today instead of tomorrow, so he has the day off.

I knew right away by the tone of his voice who it was….

It was f-ing HSBC deciding now they wanted to attempt to get the difference.

Do they NOT get it?

It is like squeezing a turnip. THERE IS NO EXTRA MONEY HERE!

In fact, the only reason we are going away overnight tomorrow for our anniversary is because my mom and I had a garage sale last weekend and I made enough money for us to go.

I’m working on a cash basis here.

Here’s the thing: I went online to our mortgage account because we got a notice for a payment in the mail and I wanted to make sure everything was taken care of. I go to the account transaction history and there in bold letters it says WRITE OFF next to the difference between the short pay and the balance owed. I printed that page. You know what the woman said when T told her this: We write it off from that account to start a new account. What a crock of shit.

Whatever you do pray that your mortgage never gets sold to HSBC. THEY SUCK.

T & I were married! What I want to know is who let me get married? I look like I’m about 15

We had a short meeting at church with the “shepherding” elders tonight as part of the process to join our church and I decided that yes, I am going to do a reaffirmation of faith, despite the whole doing it in front of large sums of people.

And then T said he wanted to do it too!

weaning myself away from adoption sites and blogs.

My constant reading make adoption too much in the forefront of my mind.

And when I think about adoption, eventually I start thinking about my infertility and in turn, my thought patterns start to twist down paths that aren’t healthy for me.  It just feeds my negative feelings, particularly when I’m stressed or upset about something else.

I have to let go.

So T finally decided he wanted to join our church, which means I don’t have to keep waiting on him

But my dilemma is whether I’m game enough to do a reaffirmation of faith, since the whole idea of it means much more to me than when I got confirmed at 16 or the Sunday we became members at our old church considering that I skipped out of attending the service to go visit my niece in Colorado after she was born in 1998.

Or not because me, in front of groups of people, not exactly my favorite thing, and since our church is, um, several hundred people at a service, that is a big group of people.