Seeking God Knows What

My cat ran away from my parents. My dad let him outside (he has always been an indoor/outdoor cat) and he stayed on their deck for quite awhile but he wandered off and hasn’t returned.

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Edited to add: he came back the next day.

Before I launch into my post about this statement, I want to say that today T & I attended our friends’ church for their son’s baptism. This church is of the same denomination as our church, with a similar contemporary format. Afterwards, T & I said to each other how glad we were for our church and how going to this other church made us realize choosing to become members of our church was absolutely the right thing for us. The service wasn’t bad but it felt very superficial and while the pastor was very nice, he sounded a bit glib to me in how he preached and led the service. After attending the service, I kind of think that our friends only go to this church because her “substitute mother figure” attends this church and if she ever left, they would follow her or quit going. I even struggle with being sure of how genuine their faith is, but I don’t know since I’m not them For her, I see their church as more of a fit than for him. I actually think he would love our church. Maybe sometime I’ll be able to get them to check our church out.

Okay, back to the topic at hand….

During my appointment with #5 last Monday, we were talking about my upcoming appointment I have with the Long Term Follow Up Clinic at the University of Michigan. I told him that as soon as I got the reminder notice in the mail, I started thinking about it and I could feel my anxiety level ramping up. Usually I find myself getting gradually more and more anxious until right before the appointment when I start think I cannot go, they’ll find something wrong, I’m going to cancel. I always end up going and then breathe this giant sigh of relief when I pull out of the hospital parking ramp.

So we talked about why I was anxious and what other emotions I tend to feel when attending these appointments. He asked me what the most predominant emotion was and I said fear. Complete and utter fear that they will find cancer again or they will tell me about some late term effect with dire consequences from my treatment. He said well, that is perfectly normal and physically, my body remembers what happened all those years ago, kind of like a post-traumatic stress episode, in fact, it probably IS a post-traumatic stress situation for you. My reply? Oh, I’ve always thought that being afraid and worrying was a sign of weakness, of failure.

Then I said it was part of what pushed me away from God and church because of the feeling that if I had faith, I shouldn’t ever worry, that I would just be able to say “Okay God, have at this” and then be capable of handling anything without worry. Instead I was crumpled in this ball of depression, worry, fear, sadness, loneliness, so I thought I must not have faith. If I don’t have faith, then who needs God? Not me since He isn’t there anyway. Fortunately, I found my way back to faith and God, despite having this feeling lingering in the back of my mind.

#5 then asked me if I had seen the notice board of one of the churches down the street on my way in. I said no and he told me he had a patient come in really angry one day because the notice board said, “Worry ends when faith begins”. #5 said I told him that statement is a load of hooey. I have faith, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I believe that He died for my sins but I still wake up on occasion at night with worry. Worry and faith can coexist, you can’t let worry take over but having worries and fear are NOT a sign that you don’t have faith.

And boy was I ever glad to hear him say that!

What a load of crap!

Gladney should be put out of business.

Right away, I was muttering about how the narrator/interviewer Cynthia McFadden and the “counselor” Paula St. John were calling the girls birthmoms prior to them having signed off on their rights.  They are mothers, plain and simple.  No prefixes, no qualifiers, NADA.

Plus what they called open adoption is no where near what I call open adoption.

I can’t even explain how horrified I was by their process, how coercive it seemed, how heartbreaking.  What makes it worse is knowing that Gladney probably put their “best foot forward” for this show.  My God, what it must truly be like.

I have a ton on my mind.

 Another story about an adoption that seems to have been done very unethically resulting in a desperate woman doing a desperate act.

And I watched a PrimeTime episode about domestic adoption through the Gladney Center in Texas and I have lots to say about it.

#5 and I had an interesting discussion about faith and depression, plus fear and trauma at my appointment with him on Monday.

But it is late and I’m tired, so I’ll come back to this tomorrow!

the last Harry book.

I found it very, very interesting and the last 100 pages or so were by far the best!

Wonder what will be up J.K. Rowling’s sleeve next?

all possible internet locations where I will find out the ending to Harry Potter until I can get us a copy of the book!

Not a chance that I would stay up until midnight and later to pick up a copy as soon as it is released but I do think I’ll hit Barnes & Noble today to see if they have any copies left

with my dad, brother and brother-in-law.  I’m not sure when this plan was concocted but I guess they are going to have some male bonding or, more likely, scotch bonding while they canoe.

Since we were going to be without spouses for the weekend, my mom thought we girls could go up to the cottages (one is open this weekend) and have a girls’ weekend with the two kiddos.  Originally I thought I would go, but I decided today I had no interest really in spending 3 hours in the car, dealing with Widget out of our home environment and around my mother without T and then spending 3 hours in the car to come home.  So I called and left a message for my mother telling her I had changed my mind about going. Hopefully, she won’t bother me about it and will believe me that this is why I stayed home, because it is the reason.

Plus I don’t want to miss church since we are missing next week for our friends’ son’s baptism and well, I just like to go.

The other Erin posted this link on one of the forums we visit.

I am so much cooler online

I got a reminder in the mail today about my appointment at the University of Michigan’s Long Term Follow-Up Clinic. This is a clinic appointment for anyone who has gone through childhood or adolescent cancer and is five years or more off all treatments. Going to these appointments always feels very odd because they hold them in the same clinic as the pediatric hematology/oncology unit, so I sit there in the waiting area as an adult watching dozens of kids who are being diagnosed, being treated, being followed for the same reason I have been going to U of M for care over the last 24 years. It can be very overwhelming and the last time I went was very hard for me because we had Widget with us- she was 9 months old- and I thought what hell must these parents be going through watching their child deal with such incredibly intense medical treatments in order to live. I understood so much better what hearing my diagnosis must have seemed like for my parents. I’m sure most people thought we were there for Widget, not me, a 20+ year cancer survivor. I already know I’m leaving her home this time because an almost 3 year old during a long boring day of doctor’s appointments and lab tests plus 6 hours round trip in the car? Not my idea of fun or Widget’s! Last time I wanted to show her off to my nurse practitioner, who has been one of the team of caregivers since I was diagnosed. What was funny was she took her off to show some other people in the clinic and they were all so thrilled to see her as if we had adopted her just to show her to them

I have until October 5 to prepare myself for this visit. I always get very anxious that “something” is going to show up, either an unknown side effect from the chemo/radiation I had or an abnormality in the blood/urine tests they run. I know it is highly unlikely that they are going to find something wrong, particularly since I’m highly vigilant about my health and PH would probably discover it first. Plus I’m going to have to share the depression stuff & psychiatric stay- not something I’m looking forward to telling (there’s that stigma again- what will they think of me if they know I’ve had a psychiatric hospitalization?).

Good thing I’ve got some time and visits with #5 to sort through this….

I went through the bank drive-thru with Widget yammering in the back asking for chicken nuggets (our bank is right next a McDonalds).  Big deal right?

Then I went and got Widget her chicken nuggets.  Again, so what?

Then I drove home, pulled in the parking lot of our apartment complex, turned my head to the side and realized I had driven off with the drive-thru banking container.

Duh.

So then I had to drive back to the bank and sheepishly, return the container….