I want another baby.
Not in couple of years.
I am ready to get up in the middle of the night.
I am ready to attempt to juggle two kids and life.
Now.
I hate infertility and having to go through the adoption process, praying, wishing, hoping for what is also one of worst grieving in the world for some other woman so I can be a mom again.
I hate having been such an idiot with our finances that we can’t adopt at the moment.
I hate it when everyone tries to convince me I’m “lucky” because I don’t have to go through pregnancy and birth. Everyone being those who have no issues with getting pregnant like my sisters and my sister-in-law.
I hate the fact that the reason I struggled more with one couple in our group of friends’ pregnancies than with my sisters’ is because they had to use initial fertility treatments to get pregnant both times and I, underneath it all, actually wished they would not be able to get pregnant, so I would have someone close to me that understood. Pathetic, isn’t that? To wish the thing you wish you didn’t have on someone else, just so you could have someone to share the pain with.
And you know what?
It isn’t the biological connection I miss with Widget. Even if she were biologically related, she would be her own person- not a Mini Me. It is that every time I hug her, kiss her, watch her sleep, share a moment with her, I wish that I had been able to share life with her from the very beginning.
Plus, I will admit I was so self-absorbed in depression for much of her first two years of life, that I know I missed out on so much anyway. Moments I can’t get back.
Even though I know another baby would not be reliving Widget’s babyhood, I am just living so much more in the present than I have in years. The past is a part of me but it isn’t all of me.
Maybe all this is because physically I feel like crap- it is either allergies or a cold/flu deal (neither allergy stuff nor cold stuff have helped, particularly with the crackling going on in my right ear).
In any case, I have survived my 3 weeks and unless I’m unable to get out of bed tomorrow, I am going to see #5.
I would think that almost anyone has these secret wishes and thoughts. I think the fact that you are willing and able to admit it speaks volumes about your character. I pray that our Father God will bring you a new baby in his perfect time.