Seeking God Knows What

I got a reminder in the mail today about my appointment at the University of Michigan’s Long Term Follow-Up Clinic. This is a clinic appointment for anyone who has gone through childhood or adolescent cancer and is five years or more off all treatments. Going to these appointments always feels very odd because they hold them in the same clinic as the pediatric hematology/oncology unit, so I sit there in the waiting area as an adult watching dozens of kids who are being diagnosed, being treated, being followed for the same reason I have been going to U of M for care over the last 24 years. It can be very overwhelming and the last time I went was very hard for me because we had Widget with us- she was 9 months old- and I thought what hell must these parents be going through watching their child deal with such incredibly intense medical treatments in order to live. I understood so much better what hearing my diagnosis must have seemed like for my parents. I’m sure most people thought we were there for Widget, not me, a 20+ year cancer survivor. I already know I’m leaving her home this time because an almost 3 year old during a long boring day of doctor’s appointments and lab tests plus 6 hours round trip in the car? Not my idea of fun or Widget’s! Last time I wanted to show her off to my nurse practitioner, who has been one of the team of caregivers since I was diagnosed. What was funny was she took her off to show some other people in the clinic and they were all so thrilled to see her as if we had adopted her just to show her to them

I have until October 5 to prepare myself for this visit. I always get very anxious that “something” is going to show up, either an unknown side effect from the chemo/radiation I had or an abnormality in the blood/urine tests they run. I know it is highly unlikely that they are going to find something wrong, particularly since I’m highly vigilant about my health and PH would probably discover it first. Plus I’m going to have to share the depression stuff & psychiatric stay- not something I’m looking forward to telling (there’s that stigma again- what will they think of me if they know I’ve had a psychiatric hospitalization?).

Good thing I’ve got some time and visits with #5 to sort through this….