Seeking God Knows What

Before I launch into my post about this statement, I want to say that today T & I attended our friends’ church for their son’s baptism. This church is of the same denomination as our church, with a similar contemporary format. Afterwards, T & I said to each other how glad we were for our church and how going to this other church made us realize choosing to become members of our church was absolutely the right thing for us. The service wasn’t bad but it felt very superficial and while the pastor was very nice, he sounded a bit glib to me in how he preached and led the service. After attending the service, I kind of think that our friends only go to this church because her “substitute mother figure” attends this church and if she ever left, they would follow her or quit going. I even struggle with being sure of how genuine their faith is, but I don’t know since I’m not them For her, I see their church as more of a fit than for him. I actually think he would love our church. Maybe sometime I’ll be able to get them to check our church out.

Okay, back to the topic at hand….

During my appointment with #5 last Monday, we were talking about my upcoming appointment I have with the Long Term Follow Up Clinic at the University of Michigan. I told him that as soon as I got the reminder notice in the mail, I started thinking about it and I could feel my anxiety level ramping up. Usually I find myself getting gradually more and more anxious until right before the appointment when I start think I cannot go, they’ll find something wrong, I’m going to cancel. I always end up going and then breathe this giant sigh of relief when I pull out of the hospital parking ramp.

So we talked about why I was anxious and what other emotions I tend to feel when attending these appointments. He asked me what the most predominant emotion was and I said fear. Complete and utter fear that they will find cancer again or they will tell me about some late term effect with dire consequences from my treatment. He said well, that is perfectly normal and physically, my body remembers what happened all those years ago, kind of like a post-traumatic stress episode, in fact, it probably IS a post-traumatic stress situation for you. My reply? Oh, I’ve always thought that being afraid and worrying was a sign of weakness, of failure.

Then I said it was part of what pushed me away from God and church because of the feeling that if I had faith, I shouldn’t ever worry, that I would just be able to say “Okay God, have at this” and then be capable of handling anything without worry. Instead I was crumpled in this ball of depression, worry, fear, sadness, loneliness, so I thought I must not have faith. If I don’t have faith, then who needs God? Not me since He isn’t there anyway. Fortunately, I found my way back to faith and God, despite having this feeling lingering in the back of my mind.

#5 then asked me if I had seen the notice board of one of the churches down the street on my way in. I said no and he told me he had a patient come in really angry one day because the notice board said, “Worry ends when faith begins”. #5 said I told him that statement is a load of hooey. I have faith, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I believe that He died for my sins but I still wake up on occasion at night with worry. Worry and faith can coexist, you can’t let worry take over but having worries and fear are NOT a sign that you don’t have faith.

And boy was I ever glad to hear him say that!