Today in church, our pastor spoke about divine appointments and how God has puts people in our paths or us in other people’s paths to further his work. But he also pointed out that we need be what I will refer to as his 3 A’s: available, attentive and adventuresome or we just might miss those opportunities.
I have to admit I fall short on pretty much all three of those A’s. I’m often so busy, I’m selfish with my availability- only wanting to do whatever it is that I have planned. Interrupt my day and I end up feeling frustrated and annoyed. I will admit that I’ve been very challenged on this with the advent of Widget into our lives. Her track and my track? Very rarely the same! But I am learning a great deal of patience as we figure out life together.
Again the busyness of having a 2 1/2 year old plus a job plus a home to keep up make me feel as if I have no time to slow down and take in life. Days flow into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. I’ve been so absorbed in my own self and my past, particularly over the last couple of years, that I often just pay attention to things that need to be done to get through the day. #5 once said when we were discussing this aspect of my depression and self, “Think about life like driving. You won’t get very far by always looking in the rearview mirror. Looking back occasionally is fine, but you have to look forward through the windshield to get anywhere.” Widget has been good for me in this sense because sometimes I do have to stop for her sake and I certainly have to pay attention to the nudges in my mind/instinct regarding her, otherwise I would not be a very good mother.
But even if I had been more available and more attentive, adventuresome? So NOT me. It took me several years to be able to call a place of business to ask a question. I was terrified of driving, rarely drove and never drove on the highway until I got married and I had to. I don’t like rollercoasters, I am not a thrill seeker of any kind. I hate heights, I used to hate crossing bridges. I went to the Grand Canyon but stood far away from the edge. I used be afraid to answer a question in class, even if I knew the answer- I would often mutter the answer under my breath but raise my hand and speak out? Nope. I could barely make myself go to therapy because I knew it would force me out of my comfort zone, though I’m thankful I did/do go. Couple that with any sort of evangelizing? Heh. It used to be that I wouldn’t talk about God for any reason. I still lack a great deal of confidence in talking about my faith, even though I’m sure of it. Is it getting better? Yes. I think my sessions with #5 have helped me start to find myself and gain confidence my abilities but I have a long way to go.
However, I am thankful for the people in my life who have listened to God’s nudging and said, “OK, God, what is it you want from me on this one?” when they might not have wanted to. One of these people I saw for the first time in a couple of years yesterday when I went to a childhood friend’s wedding. He is an older gentleman (I thought he was old when I was little, I’d guess he is in his late 60s now) who attended our small Episcopal church and has faithfully (with his wife) attended our family’s big events over the years. We were seated at the same table and when T stepped away, he came around and sat next to me. I had my hand on the table and he covered it, just sitting there looking at me. I smiled and said I was really glad to see them again and wasn’t the wedding nice? He just kept looking at me and said, “All those years ago, when you went to Ann Arbor, you had all these people praying for you and your family. I am so thankful to see you sitting here because there were times when we thought these days might never come.” Of course, I promptly teared up, in fact, I just got teary-eyed again writing that but the witness of his faith and prayers was really overwhelming to me.
And of course, another person I’m extremely thankful for I’ve mentioned here several times. PH certainly did far more than he ever had to with regard to my spiritual welfare. Even in the worst of times these last few years, even when I wasn’t sure of how things stood between us, I always knew he was there praying for me and cared about my whole wellbeing.
Perhaps someday as I grow in my faith, I might be so lucky as to be like these two in someone else’s life.
