Seeking God Knows What

I’m facing an end. A good end, but an end all the same.

My appointment next week in Ann Arbor is most likely going to be my last one.  I received an e-mail from Marcia, my primary contact at the clinic earlier this week saying she would not be there for my appointment and then she said,”Most likely, we will not schedule another follow up, as you are now so many years from your treatment, and also, you have a good primary medical doctor.”

This has been part of my life, my medical care for the nearly 25 years (next February marks 25 years since I was diagnosed).  It has been my “safety net” in knowing that all the important things that need to be checked are being checked.  Yes, I do have a good primary medical doctor.  But he has hundreds of patients and this isn’t his thing, not even something he is remotely interested in.  At least by going to Ann Arbor, I have had the reassurance that if there was something serious regarding a late effect from my treatment, they would be aware of it because they follow up on the reports and studies that cross their desk with regard to childhood cancer survivorship.

I’ve already cried over this, in fact, just writing this has made my eyes tear up and my anxiety to kick in.  And yes, I have already had a session with #5 devoted to processing this and how to get some sense of closure about it.

But truth be told, I’m scared of letting go of these appointments.  I don’t think I realized how much of a support system this was for me.

And I will miss Marcia.  She has been there for this whole experience, beginning to end.

my hick roots are coming out.

First, it was that I have developed a liking for country music. I despised it before and mercilessly teased my older sister M when she started listening to it after they moved to Tennessee. Now it is my primary choice of radio stations, other than NPR or the local Christian music, though some of that is pretty hokey.

But they really showed today when we went to a party celebrating the marriage of my cousin and her now husband. They decided to get married in a civil ceremony before he deployed to Iraq with his Army Reserves unit in November. They do plan to have a “real wedding and reception” when he returns.

Now, why are my hick roots important?

It was a potluck.

With a keg.

In the groom’s parents’ backyard under a tent.

With paper plates & plastic ware.

My mom laughed and said this is just about the same as any of the parties held when she and my dad were young and their friends were getting married.

I used to live in this same small town. It was awesome

It was big news when Kmart came to town and even bigger news when Kmart got more parking spaces. They are moving up in the world as they have a Walmart and an Applebees, although all these things happened after we moved to Holland when I was 12.  My dad has a lifetime subscription to the weekly newspaper (he worked for this paper for 13 years, ending up as editor) and T loves to read the Police Beat to see what random crimes were deemed newsworthy each week.  There is almost always something worth chuckling over

…to not crawl into bed with us in the middle of the night on a regular basis now that she is in a toddler bed and not a crib?  Yeah, every couple of nights, we are woken up by her hurling herself in between us in bed.  She’s not scared, upset, nothing.  Just wants to sleep with us.

…want to potty train?  Absolutely no interest.  None.  She knows when she has to go potty, she has even told me she has to go but when I ask her to sit on the potty, she says no and runs away.

….let me change her diaper, put clothes on her, buckle her into her carseat without some sort of threat?  This has been an issue for quite awhile, she hides or crawls/runs out of reach, laughs, won’t stay still.  T and I are about ready to pull our hair out!!! We have followed through on our threats too- no tv/videos, time out, spanking, etc. but it really makes no difference.  She does the same thing the next time we have to do any of the above.  And doing her hair? Apparently that is sheer torture because she screams and twists her head around every time, even when I haven’t touched her hair yet with the brush.

This is apparently the sermon theme at church for the next couple of weeks: talking about “who is going to be saved” and “how to assure yourself that you are going to be saved”.

This is the first time I think I’m going to strongly disagree with our pastor’s sermons.  I’ve had issues with the topics one of the other people who teaches on Sunday but usually I feel like our pastor hits home for me much of the time.

I’m sure his point is wanting us to recognize that belief in Jesus’ death/resurrection and the ultimate gift of God’s grace is the key for Christianity.  What I believe and accept is true for me, and many others, but is it the only way?  I’ve said before that this is an element of faith I struggle with.  As Christians, of course, we want it to be the way, because it justifies our religion and interpretation of the life of Jesus.  But any steadfast believer in his faith is going to insist that his way is the way as well. 

Maybe if Christians actually lived the life Jesus wanted them to live, with acceptance, forgiveness and grace instead of with judgment and exclusivity, then they might just find others wanting to have that same peace in their lives.  It is what brought me back, knowing that I was loved, accepted for who I am, that what happened in the past is truly that- in the past- and I can move forward knowing that there is grace and forgiveness in God.

Boo hiss, my keyboard is having some issues as in random letters and symbols appearing or suddenly typing in all capitals and ye olde iMac’s cd/dvd drive is having some real issues.  Darn thing needs to last for just a few more months.  We have discussed using a portion of our income tax return to replace my computer.  In the last 3 years we have gotten a fairly healthy check back with T’s mileage, child tax credits, and our adoption credit.  The last 2 years, we’ve used it to pay property taxes.  This year, our goal is to finish off what we need to for our “$1000 emergency fund”, replace my computer and pay the rest to our debt.

Anyway, I’ve been reading Jean Chatzky’s The Ten Commandments of Financial Happiness:Feel Richer with What You’ve Got in the hopes of gaining some additional perspective and motivation with our finances.  Something I found interesting was, based on a research survey, people who pay their bills as they come in have a greater sense of happiness and feeling of financial control.  I am totally a person who puts them away until they are due or even after they are due, then I sit down once or twice a month and pay them all, feeling completely overwhelmed at the amount of money going out the door.  I’m always so paranoid about not having enough money, so I wait.  But I end up spending some of the money I was supposed to save for bills on some “essential” and then I don’t have enough to pay them all.

I’ve always liked watching Jean Chatzky do the money segments on the Today Show and I do think she has a lot good financial advice.  She just seems very down to earth and realistic.  I skimmed her Pay it Down: From Debt to Wealth on $10 a day while we were on vacation, though right now finding even $10 a day seems nearly impossible.   In fact, I’m trying to figure out how to find $10-15 every couple of weeks to pay a babysitter so we can participate in our small group from church, something I’m feeling a bit disgruntled about because we have really enjoyed the times we got together this summer bringing Widget to play with their kids (she’s the oldest of the 6 kids) but now most of them apparently feel like they wouldn’t be able to do a bible study if their kids are there.  We want to be a part of this group, sigh, but none of our family will commit to watching Widget on a regular basis, except the day my MIL watches her while I work (and even then I wonder if she really wants to do it or if she feels obligated now that she has been doing it for the last 2 1/2 years).  I don’t know any kids of babysitting age to ask, bleh.  It kind of gives me a headache to think about it.

We are home from our vacation.

However, I have learned a couple things:
1) T needs to take a full week off every year.  But he needs to learn how to STOP thinking about work while on vacation.

2) Visiting family isn’t always the best way to relax.

3) I am glad to be home, even if living in an apartment is NOT where I want to be, with my stuff.

Plus I’m dying to see my new nephew.  He was born at 2:01 AM this morning 8 lbs 2 oz, 20 1/2 inches.  That’s my only goal for tomorrow.  Well, that and church.

This makes me very sad

I have read, really devoured, her books since I was nine-years-old and the wife of our priest suggested A Wrinkle in Time to me.

I have longed for a new book from her for years since her last fiction one A Live Coal in the Sea several years ago.

I know she has found joy and everlasting peace now.  She is one person I’ve never met but I will truly miss.

My younger sister is being induced late this afternoon for her second baby.  She is feeling very anxious about it, apparently more so than last time.  We are still in Colorado (we leave tomorrow afternoon for home) and I hate that I’m not there for her or my mother, who I know is probably going crazy. 

Being this far away when something like this is happening makes me glad we don’t live far away from most of our family, though sometimes they do make me want to bang my head into a wall

We are off on vacation for the next week!

On a plane!

With a 2 year old!

Woot!