Seeking God Knows What

since I talked about adoption related things on here.

I’ve been reading around as usual but, well, I have not been responding to what has been said anywhere.  I still believe a lot about adoption needs to change but I guess I don’t really have any “fight” in me about it right now.

I’m having a moment where I want to JUST be my daughter’s mother.  I know I’m not her only mother and trust me, that is something I will never forget.  Without L, there would be no Widget.  I recognize and acknowledge that, even if I don’t make the fact that she was adopted the center of Widget’s life, in fact, it is only a very perimeter thing right now.  She knows L is a friend, a special friend and can pick her out in pictures.  We’ve tried to talk to her about how she was in L’s tummy, using my sister’s recent pregnancy and our friend’s pregnancies as examples, and then how she came home with us because L chose us to be her mommy and daddy, even though she loves her very much.  But I’m not sure how much of that she gets, particularly since we don’t see or hear from L very much.

To be honest, I’m feeling a bit frustrated by the lack of any sort of contact with L.  I send pictures, e-mail, birthday present, and what not but I never hear anything back.  I can’t call her because her cell phone is shut off.  The only number I have is her dad’s cell phone and the last time I tried it, it was off and it was just the standard “you have reached X number, please leave a message”, so I’m not even sure if I have the right number.  I assume I still have the right e-mail address for L since nothing gets returned to me but still I have no idea what she thinks or wants from this relationship, if anything.  So, I’m trying to reconcile my idea of what this relationship would be with what reality is and at the moment, it is leaving me feeling a bit annoyed.

In fact, I’m trying not to be as ticked about it as I would be if it were one of our family or friends because I know she could just be going through a difficult time and not wanting the actual contact of a visit or phone call.  I’m trying to just keep staying in touch so she knows the “door is always open” but it is hard to remain dedicated to it when Widget isn’t getting anything in return from it right now.