Seeking God Knows What

I’m still alive.  I dragged myself to the doctor on Monday and received an antibiotic plus an inhaler.  Fun times.  I particularly enjoy the coughing-so-hard-you-can’t-breathe-part of this along with the use-up-an-entire-box-of-kleenex-in-one-day-blowing-your-nose deal.  Still going on almost two weeks later.  Woo hoo!

I’m up to my eyeballs in packing, which is fun when you’ve been sick like I have been and you pack for an hour, then want to sleep for the next two because you are exhausted.

But, doggone it, I am going to church tomorrow!

I’m still sick.  Seriously.  Temperature, cough, chills, neverending nose blowing.  The whole nine yards.

So no church.  No family stuff.

Just me and my pajamas in bed.

Remembering the reason for today.

Happy Easter!

After listening to Widget’s congested breathing and coughing coupled with how hot her body was as she lay in bed with us in the middle of the night, I decided to make an appointment for her first thing this morning.  She was still asleep when I called because you always have to call right away at 8 AM in order to get a same day appointment. 

I’m sure it is the same virus that I have, but she had RSV at 6 weeks, so I’d rather have someone besides my untrained ear listen to her breathing.

Of course, now that she is up, she seems fine.  In fact, I am probably sicker than she is. 

The nurse practitioner is going to wonder why on earth I made the appointment for her and not me

My evening was filled with:

A strep test

A flu test

A blood draw

A chest xray

and two breathing treatments.

3 hours later and all those tests later, I came home from the urgent care place with a diagnosis of a virus not influenza, a prescription for robitussin with codeine and instructions to follow-up with PH if I did not improve in the next couple of days.

Actually I haven’t been this sick in a long time. At first, I thought my symptoms had to do with the change in antidepressants but when I woke up with a throat sore enough that I have subsisted on popsicles, chicken broth/noodle soup, plain yogurt, ice chips and part of a milkshake because it hurt to swallow anything else and a cough that has had me in tears because my chest hurt so badly from it, I realized I was sick.  After 5 days, I decided perhaps I should call PH’s office but they had no appointments and the phone nurse recommended that I be seen. 

I fear for what this trip will cost me in deductibles and co-pays but I will say that the breathing treatments (and the 800 mg of ibuprofen they gave me) have helped me feel more comfortable.

I went alone, which in hind sight was probably not the best idea.  My blood pressure and pulse were really high, enough so they wouldn’t let me leave until it came down a little bit.   Feeling very sick with no “explanation”, a lot of tests, and a hospital setting triggered some panicky moments during the gaps where I was alone in the room.  I worked very hard at keeping myself calm, reassuring myself that they were NOT going to find anything seriously wrong.  The whole idea of having a chest x-ray just about did me in.  I haven’t had one in probably 10-12 years but they were a critical part of my follow-up treatment after Wilms’ to check for recurrence. 

And now I need to go to bed and sleep….

to send overly active 3 year olds when mommies are sick, so they don’t end up watching tv all day because the only thing mommy wants to do is lay on the couch and wish she were sleeping.

We seem to be on track to miss church again this week.  Last week, we overslept thanks to the time change.  The week before, well, we just didn’t go.  This week I’m feeling dizzy and sleepy as I’m trying to change antidepressants (zoloft to prozac) to see if some side effect issues I’ve been having will go away plus T did something to his back early last week, is doped up on valium and high doses of ibuprofen, and decided he does not want to sit for an hour through church.

I’ll be honest and say I don’t mind too much as our not-favorite-long-winded teaching associate has been preaching the last few weeks instead of our pastor.  I’m still sorting through my thoughts on the spiritual gifts assessment (mine is not done, nor is T’s) and I have a strong feeling that if I go and hear him preach, I may run screaming from the congregation.  I am most definitely NOT on the same page as he is about all things theological.  Plus, I have a hunch that if I go today and they do nothing to recognize the significance of Palm Sunday, it will compound everything. 

All this complaining is probably making some of you think, “Why on earth doesn’t she find another church, if she’s so unhappy here?”  I’m really not that unhappy.  It lacks in some areas (i.e. mainly recognizing the church calendar and being very non-liturgical) and I have some theological conflicts, which I expect I’d discover in any church I attend, but for the most part, I do feel very strongly that, as a church, it is doing a lot of things right.  Plus when our pastor preaches, I almost always get a lot from his sermons.  Not sure what I’ll do if he decides to move on, or when he decides to retire

Next week is Easter, so we will be there despite inner turmoil, drug changes and back pain!

If you ask Widget how to spell her name, she replies M O I D.  Even if you start by giving her the letters that actually spell her name, she replies with M O I D.  I have no idea where this came from but she says it every time you ask.  If you say “What does M O I D spell?” She replies “Me”.

I called the people with the house back this morning.  I just asked if there was anything we could do to work out an arrangement as we really liked the house and location.  I told her we didn’t need a fence or to change out the dishwasher.  And they were concerned about the fact that putting up a fence could raise their property taxes, which are already higher because they do not have the “principal residence exemption” since it is a rental house, something I totally understand.  I also said if they were concerned about the bankruptcy, we understood and were willing to pay a slightly larger deposit or get a co-signer.  She then asked about our current rent and if we had ever been behind, which we have not.  I even explained to her that other than the situation with the house over a year ago, we were on time with all our bill payments until we filed.  She then said she needed to talk to her husband and would call me back.

She called back ten minutes later, saying they were willing to take the risk and rent to us.  We get to rent the house, starting April 1st!!!

I am very happy about this.  T and I were so frustrated the last couple of nights as we had no idea what we were going to about our living arrangements.  We can’t wait to get out of this apartment and have a yard again

First of all, last night we found out the “oops” baby of our friends made his grand appearance yesterday morning.  I am very happy for them,  considering the complications at the beginning of her pregnancy but at the same time, I still get those infertility twinges of sadness when I see my friends and family having babies, talking about who they look like, the amazing miracle of pregnancy and birth.  Bleh.

Then I found out the house is out.  We got some weird random reasons as to why they didn’t want to rent to us.  First, she told me it was because they weren’t sure what they were going to do- it needed a new roof because it had leaked in a corner near the basement over the winter, so they weren’t sure they were going to rent it until that was done because they didn’t want to bother the renters with it happening .  Then, when T called her to say we didn’t mind as long as the roof was going to be fixed, she told him well, they didn’t want to rent to us because we had asked, while walking through the house, if we could change out the dishwasher and, maybe, put up a fence in the yard- both things we would pay for and do at no cost or time to them- and they didn’t feel that they wanted us doing those things.  They didn’t seem opposed to those things when we asked, and besides, that was all we were doing- ASKING if we could.  We would have been fine with them saying no right then and there.

Whatever.

I think it is because we were upfront and honest about having filed for bankruptcy.  Even though they wouldn’t have known because they didn’t ask for authorization to run our credit, we felt they should know.  We could have afforded the monthly rent payments without any issues and we were willing to provide them with whatever they needed to show this.  And if this was the case, I don’t know why she didn’t come right out and say that instead of making excuses.

Probably better that we don’t end up having to deal with them as landlords.  But I’m still sad because the house was perfect for what we wanted over the next couple of years until we can buy a house on our own.

Now maybe I can fall asleep!

1.  We are STILL waiting for the official word on whether we are going to be able to rent the house.  I left a message yesterday on her cell phone (it was turned off as it went straight to voicemail) but haven’t gotten a return call.  The ad is no longer in the paper, so I’m thinking that is a good sign.  I just want to know cause we either need to get a move-in date from them or find someplace else.

2.  My sister (the one rubbing off on me) and I were talking on Thursday about how impossible it is to find any of the kinds of products we want to buy for our kids in our area and how we can’t be the only ones looking for natural toys, cloth diapering supplies, babywearing products, BPA-free bottles and organic cotton clothing in our area.  Yeah, there is the internet but I personally have a hard time deciding on what to buy without actually holding the product in my hand.  There are a few stores here and there that carry little bits and pieces but not one that carries all this stuff in one place. 

Then, we had a brainstorm.  Between the two of us, we have 14 years of retail sales and management, business, marketing, basic business accounting and internet skills.  Why shouldn’t WE pursue the idea of opening our own store?  Both of us made the comment we wouldn’t be in it for the money but because we want to provide a well-made, safe, natural children’s product to the public.  Granted, it means a lot of work at developing a business plan, pursuing some sort of financial backing, set-up and running a business for little or no money in income for the two of us for a few years as we got the store off the ground but we could do it.  I think of all the crazy stores in our area that somehow stay in business year after year and I really don’t see how, if we do it right, we couldn’t make it work. 

And I have been thinking a lot about us actually doing it.  Ever since I managed the small specialty toy store, I have had this desire to have my own children’s store.  In fact, if I had stayed there instead of quitting after college, I might have been the one owning that store now because I would have been first on the list when the owner decided to retire a couple years ago.  I know this because I was first on the list when I left and I had a hard time deciding whether to leave or stay because I knew I would likely lose my chance at owning it.  So, this just might be it: the job I’ve been wandering about trying to find for the last 7-8 years and it has me excited about the whole idea!

3.  And on a work-related note, I’m almost done with my job.  Two more days :-P  T and I were going over our money/budget and we realized that we are, in fact, losing money on me working.  Yes, I make enough to cover daycare and contribute a little to our finances but we are also paying for a car for me to drive, car insurance, work clothes, going out to eat once in a while because we both worked and neither of us wanted to make dinner.  So, we decided to surrender one of our cars in our bankruptcy (because we can do it now and not be stuck with the balance after it sells) and be a one car family for a while.  There is no way I can work without a second car because T’s job requires him to be on the road nearly every day, so I can’t take him to work nor can he drop me off at work and pick me up as he never really knows where he is going to be and when each day. 

It actually won’t be too long before we could go back to having two cars because we will have freed up enough money in six months to either pay off T’s car, meaning we could conceivably get another short-term car payment, or buy an inexpensive car for me to run around town in.  It does mean I really want this house with a yard, a park nearby, and our friends living about 2 1/2 blocks away, so being home all day every day won’t drive me totally insane over the summer.

4.  Last but definitely not least, we know how we are going to be able to afford the majority of our next adoption.  Let’s just say that some property worth a substantial sum of money due to its location owned by T’s family has been sold.  Once our bankruptcy is completed and we are six months past everything, we will get our share of it.  They don’t want to mess up our bankruptcy because it won’t be anywhere near enough to make a dent in the debt we had but it will be enough to let us focus on saving for a house and building a real emergency fund instead of trying to save for those and another adoption.  We hemmed and hawed about what to do with it but we decided to use it for the adoption fees because we know we won’t be able to buy a house for at least two years anyway and we already have a small emergency fund built up from our tax refund this year.