Seeking God Knows What

I could buy the house we had before last.

It went up for sale today.

The listing doesn’t make it sound like they did a whole lot since we had it.

My sisters theorize that we had to move away or we would not have been able to adopt Widget.

But I sometimes I wish we still lived there….

I’m debating on whether or not I should really stop working….

The job itself is still there.  In fact, they keep sending me these hints that they want me to come back, particularly the questions: “Is Widget going to preschool in the fall?” and “Any time you want to come in and work, just let me know.”  I had a phone call today asking me a question about the project I finished up (finally!) two weeks ago.  I have no doubt if I picked up the phone and said I could work any amount of time, they would jump on the opportunity.  I suppose that is a good thing that, despite some of my scheduling unreliability in the past, they want me to stay since I do such a good job.  (I had a hard time writing that, even though I know it is true.  Why is it that I can’t say I do excellent work? Anyway, I digress!)

My daycare slots are still open if I want them.  I even thought about T taking Widget to daycare and me picking her up to relieve some of my morning stress, part of the reason I wanted to quit. 

I’ll admit I’m already realizing that I’m a little bored being at home.  I have only had three short gaps when I haven’t worked: once when I abruptly quit my full-time job due to depression stuff, then when Widget joined our family and I was off for six weeks, and lastly when I took about a month off after my “retreat” to regain my balance.  So the idea of being home 24/7 actually seems a bit daunting.  It isn’t that my job is something that fulfilled me- it never has and in fact, it could be quite dull at times- but I am a little worried I’ll lose that connection to “grown-up” time, even if it is only two short days a week.

I still have my car.  Long story short, we decided to keep it and accelerate our payments on T’s car rather than let my car go and save money towards a second car.  It had to do with me working some extra time last month, moving, T’s crazy work schedule, my appointments, and the fact that we were able to rent the house for less than we had budgeted in to rent a house.

We adjusted T’s withholdings once we knew I was approaching my self-set cut off for working, so we would get more money per month rather than letting the government have it for a year- it means a very small refund next year but that’s okay.  If I go back to working, we would have to adjust again in order to not have to pay as the taxes that come out of my check are minimal.  This means that after daycare and taxes, we would net about $300 more per month than we are right now and we would likely just save that money.

I suppose I could look for another job somewhere else that I might find more fulfilling or maybe even make more money but truthfully I know I am not going to find a job that will be anywhere near as accommodating as this one has been and I do like the people I work with a lot.  I could care less about the company itself, especially on the days when its backwardness on how to do things gets in my way of accomplishing my projects.

I just don’t know what to do. Having the extra cushion would be nice but is it worth the time and effort for a job I don’t get much out of?

I’m not cut out for most of the work-at-home jobs I’ve seen out there (I don’t do parties like Pampered Chef or Partylite).  And I couldn’t possibly craft/sew/whatever anything worth selling on places like Etsy.

Advice?

Anyone?

We are all moved in and starting to settle into the new place.  We have achieved the goal of NO BOXES left in the living areas and I finally got my pictures hung yesterday.  T and I spent the morning washing down all the walls and baseboards (woo hoo fun times!) since we are not allowed to paint- what a difference that made, kind of icky to think how dirty they were though!

Widget loves her new room at the “blue house” and since I didn’t have nearly the space for all the toys she had, I chose a select few for her room.  I tried to stick with less plastic, more imaginative play items.  All the noisy, light-up and plastic toys are currently stored in the basement while I determine if I’m going to set up a play area down there or not.  There is room but it is unfinished and very “basementy” if you know what I mean.  I find it very interesting that she actually plays with her toys more now than she used to.  I think she had so much stuff, it was overwhelming to her to choose and she just didn’t play with anything very much.  I still need to get some hooks to hang her dress up clothes and a small basket for the selected stuffed animals I picked from her giant pile but for the most part, her room is pretty well settled.

The house itself has some quirks (think weird shower off in bathroom off kitchen) and is a bit lacking in curb appeal   We are hoping that since they are going to put a new roof on this spring/summer, we can convince them to let us paint the exterior trim as it is in pretty bad shape.  They did say we could plant flowers and such, so I’m hoping we can “spruce up” the exterior without investing a lot of money since we don’t own the place.  The other thing I would really like to do is see if they will let us tear down the wall paper in the main bath, as it is peeling up in places and I can jsut see Widget picking away at it until it needs to come off.  The entryway also has a simple wallpaper but it is in somewhat better shape.

And spring is coming!  We are supposed to have warm weather the end of this week and I have a yard for Widget to play in!  The neighbors (an older grandparent-age couple) have a swingset and told us we could use it anytime plus there is a sidewalk where she can ride her tricycle!

Sigh.  I should NOT drink coke after 8 PM, followed by chocolate ice cream at 11 PM.  And have 10,000 things to do the next day. 

We are moving tomorrow (really today in 5 hours!), I ought to be sleeping but the above had me lying in bed with lists of things to do, to remember.  Instead I’m up and writing because it seems to help me release the whirlwind in my head and I can usually go back to sleep.

Which leads me to something I’ve been thinking about lately- why I blog.

I have always marveled at the fact that I could (and can at times) blog so much, yet writing a private journal has always been nearly impossible for me.  I was the kid whose diary had one entry every six months or so and I never filled a single one.

But then I realized something….

It has to do with connecting to people who have been/are/might be dealing with some of the same issues in life.

I turned to the internet at the end of 2003 after we had an adoption match where the mom chose to parent.  I knew it was right for her to parent but I felt so lost with those intensity of emotions/grief for a baby I never really had any claim to.  I tried to talk to my sisters and friends but I knew they just didn’t really get what I was feeling.  I googled something about failed adoption matches and wound up at adoption.com’s forums.  There I entered a whole new world.  Here were people who understood, who could give me a perspective I didn’t have before.  I eventually found Bethany’s discussion forums and made some connections there. 

And then I discovered blogs, mostly beginning with adoption-related ones but eventually I found myself searching out other blogs of people facing similar situations/issues as my life has held.

Then one day I thought why shouldn’t I blog?  Maybe no one would read it, maybe only a couple people would read it.  But if something I wrote resonated with someone the way the things I had read resonated with me, it would be worth it.

Feeling alone with whatever is happening in your life is one of the worst feelings.  For me, knowing I was NOT alone, despite not actually knowing the people behind the blogs in real life, was a step towards healing.  It gave me the confidence that I could eventually rise out of the rut I felt I was in.

So I blogged.  And I still blog, even though much of the emotional anguish that started this blog (and changed its address a few times!) has dissipated, for this very same reason. 

To connect.

I know there is better photo editing software out there besides Picasa but I had some fun putting together some collages.

 This first one is a collection of pictures I put together after my grandma died at the beginning of February.

This second one is a spring one of Widget

The last one is just some other pictures…