Seeking God Knows What

Sigh.  I should NOT drink coke after 8 PM, followed by chocolate ice cream at 11 PM.  And have 10,000 things to do the next day. 

We are moving tomorrow (really today in 5 hours!), I ought to be sleeping but the above had me lying in bed with lists of things to do, to remember.  Instead I’m up and writing because it seems to help me release the whirlwind in my head and I can usually go back to sleep.

Which leads me to something I’ve been thinking about lately- why I blog.

I have always marveled at the fact that I could (and can at times) blog so much, yet writing a private journal has always been nearly impossible for me.  I was the kid whose diary had one entry every six months or so and I never filled a single one.

But then I realized something….

It has to do with connecting to people who have been/are/might be dealing with some of the same issues in life.

I turned to the internet at the end of 2003 after we had an adoption match where the mom chose to parent.  I knew it was right for her to parent but I felt so lost with those intensity of emotions/grief for a baby I never really had any claim to.  I tried to talk to my sisters and friends but I knew they just didn’t really get what I was feeling.  I googled something about failed adoption matches and wound up at adoption.com’s forums.  There I entered a whole new world.  Here were people who understood, who could give me a perspective I didn’t have before.  I eventually found Bethany’s discussion forums and made some connections there. 

And then I discovered blogs, mostly beginning with adoption-related ones but eventually I found myself searching out other blogs of people facing similar situations/issues as my life has held.

Then one day I thought why shouldn’t I blog?  Maybe no one would read it, maybe only a couple people would read it.  But if something I wrote resonated with someone the way the things I had read resonated with me, it would be worth it.

Feeling alone with whatever is happening in your life is one of the worst feelings.  For me, knowing I was NOT alone, despite not actually knowing the people behind the blogs in real life, was a step towards healing.  It gave me the confidence that I could eventually rise out of the rut I felt I was in.

So I blogged.  And I still blog, even though much of the emotional anguish that started this blog (and changed its address a few times!) has dissipated, for this very same reason. 

To connect.