Seeking God Knows What

Many of you who have been reading for awhile are aware that my parents’ marriage is ending.  And yes, it is really going to happen this time. 

One of the things that has happened as a result of this is that my younger sister and her DH are going to gradually buy my parents’ house from my dad.  It will be a good house for them and their two little ones (perhaps more down the road).  Initially, they will be splitting/sharing the house with my dad.  The way the house is designed, it will work like to separate apartments with a shared kitchen and laundry.  The blessing about this idea is that has helped relieve some stress for my dad because, as we all know, it is a tough market for selling homes.

The not so good part of this is the stuff.  35 years of stuff, compounded by my mother’s propensity to both save momentos and to use shopping as a coping mechanism (or perhaps as an addiction).  What is interesting is that my mother never spent thousands of dollars on one or two items but she certainly spent it on multiple little things.  Seasonal things like the bag of patriotic party supplies or Valentines’ Day stuff and the napkins.  There are napkins for every holiday plus assorted other needs: wine, cheese, Swedish parties (she has a thing about Scandinavian stuff).  The box of ceramic Madonnas (as in the Virgin Mary not the singer).   The large quantities of rugs.  Stationary and wrapping paper.  It was all well organized but there is A LOT of it to deal with.

And my mother doesn’t really want anything to do with dealing with it.  Since she has moved out, my dad has asked her to please come and go through things to make sure what she really wants to keep is kept.  She doesn’t.  Or when she does, like last week, she wants to save everything such as our old prom and bridesmaid dresses none of us will ever wear again.

I have to admit I have only helped half-heartedly.  Partially because even though the divorce is inevitable now, who wants to take apart their family home, which, I have to say I never lived and can never find where anything is but it is still “the family home”?

But the main reason is I need to. For my own stability and making sure I keep myself separate from my parents’ issues.  I know myself well enough now to realize that I can far too easily get caught up in my parents’ emotions surrounding the break-up of their marriage.  I make myself the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the “one who has to make sure no one is going to kill themselves over this”.  It is not good for me, or for my own little family.  I become overly wrapped up in my grief over losing my parents’ togetherness.  For me, once I become too attached to my grief, I let it overtake my life in the form of depression.  This isn’t to say I haven’t allowed myself to grieve over this.  I have.  But I’m learning to sense what is a “normal” level of grief and what is a “depressed” level of grief for me.  I put those in quotes because I don’t think you can qualify (or is it quantify?) grief very well.  Everyone grieves differently, dependent on their personality, history, emotional make-up and so on.   What is important is that I recognize what is “normal” for me.

I will admit I do worry about my younger sister and her level of involvement by buying the house because I don’t want her to get caught up in those same roles.  But I have to let her make her own decisions about this and to trust (because I’ve never been given a reason not to) her judgement on her capabilities of handling the added stress.  She knows I’m here if she needs me