Archive for June, 2008

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Memories

June 21, 2008

Today was a day of memories.

Playing croquet in the hot summer sun, with my cousins and siblings, half-dead grass crunching under our feet, jumping and shouting every time we knocked each other’s croquet ball away from the wicket.

Standing barefoot along the garage door frame trying to stand up as tall as I could, hoping to squeeze another eighth of an inch out, while my grandpa added my new height measurement to the myriad of marks his twenty-one grandchildren (plus great-grandchildren!) made over the years.

Watching my grandma make bread in the kitchen and devouring warm slices, layered with butter.

Squealing with laughter and protesting as I would wriggle on the floor because my grandpa had a game of holding us by our big toe until my grandma would call out from the kitchen, “Tom, you stop that!  You leave those kids alone!” knowing that we loved every minute of it.

Eating homemade vegetable soup from Grandma’s brown soup bowls, hoping to be the lucky one to eat with the golden spoon this time.

Going Christmas caroling in the icy darkness of December, knowing there would be hot chocolate and fresh cookies when we got back.

Walking with my grandpa, watching the tall grass wave back and forth as Dolly, his English Springer Spaniel, made her way in the fields and woods behind my grandparents’ home.

Today was a day of memories.

Posted in This Life of Mine | 5 Comments »

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Profiles! Pictures! Letters! Oh My!

June 17, 2008

I’m trying to pull together the pictures for our adoption profile.  At first, I thought I’d do it digitally but I think I’m going to go through my albums and pick out photos to use, then find the digital versions.  I just have too many and they aren’t organized well enough on this computer to sort through them.

I don’t really like the idea of having to do a profile.  I know why we need to do one but to me it just makes me feel icky and like I’m promoting why “my family is better than all the others” to parent a baby.  It is why I don’t like networking to adopt or agency marketing/trolling for expectant parents. 

It is one of the main reasons why we chose the very small agency we are using.  Right now, she doesn’t do much marketing or advertising.  She mostly works on referrals, though she would like to figure out a way to advertise without feeling like she is ”marketing for babies” because she believes that most expectant parents who use the “crisis pregnancy” options in the area are being underserved since most of them are of the “ADOPTION IS THE BEST OPTION” philosophy.  It is an option but not necessarily the best

I know it sounds contradictory to not want to market ourselves/network and to choose an agency that deliberately doesn’t do such stuff since we do want to adopt again, sooner rather than later. I believe that there are situations where adoption is a good option, and we do desire to build our family this way but I also believe people experiencing a crisis pregnancy shouldn’t be looked at as a way to make money for an agency or fill MY need to be a parent. 

Posted in Adoption | 3 Comments »

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They’re on to me….

June 13, 2008

This was posted on a forum I visit.  And it is, um, rather too true.  Not only for me but for many of us :P

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Beginning of summer

June 12, 2008

I’m over my grouchiness from earlier in the week ;)

Widget and I broke out the little swimming pool for the first time in two years since the weather is supposed to be in the upper 80s this afternoon.  Widget was thrilled to put on her star bathing suit, get some sunscreen on and head outside. 

 Right now we are having a lunch break and then I think we will head outside for a little more playtime. 

 

I love these kinds of days when we have nothing that needs to be done and I can spend my time enjoying my daughter.  Sometimes I feel like I missed so much of her first couple of years being in the throes of depression.  I’m soaking it all in now, even on the days when her 3ishness is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Posted in Life with Widget, This Life of Mine | 1 Comment »

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Wrong side of the bed

June 9, 2008

I think I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

I’m tired.

I need to go to the grocery store because we only have odds and ends to eat, so I’m hungry which doesn’t help.

I’m annoyed with everything…

Myself because I agreed to work when I didn’t want to and now I feel stuck for the next few weeks.

My house because it is cluttery and needs to be cleaned but I’m working/busy until Thursday. 

My landlords because we had two small roof leaks- fortunately nothing was ruined but I just want the D@*?N roof replaced like they said they would.  I know T dreads the idea of moving again but seriously, I’m NOT living here this fall/winter if they don’t fix it.

That my phone rang and it was T telling me he has to replace a hard drive before he gets home and he won’t be getting to the jobsite until nearly 6 PM, meaning he won’t be home until later (which could be 6:30, could be 10). Not his fault because the call didn’t come in until 4:45 but still frustrating because it cuts into our evening time together. 

That I can’t go see my sister in Virginia like I had planned to because gas and plane tickets are so expensive.  If I were still in my old financial habits, I’d just charge the trip and say who cares but not anymore.

 

Blah.

I hate days like this.

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Sunday again

June 8, 2008

This last week flew by, which is good because T was gone for two separate overnights for work and drove about 1500 miles plus was on-call and had more phone calls than he has had in a LONG LONG time.  This upcoming week is much “calmer” and he has Friday off!

We had our annual friends weekend at one of our friend’s family cottage north of here this weekend.  Weather was not so great for hanging out by the water with the kids, except for a couple hours yesterday afternoon.  Massive severe weather in our neck of the woods this weekend did not make for a completely relaxing weekend.  It was good to see everyone and the three 3-year-olds managed to get along very well but still 8 adults and 5 kids (and we were minus 1 baby who stayed with a grandparent) makes for a crowded two bedroom cottage.

And I agreed to work for two days a week for the next few weeks to “help out” at my former job.  It all started when I e-mailed to let my former supervisor know she would be getting an adoption reference, because I’m technically still an employee of Thermoblah.  Needless to say, I got this long e-mail back about how the new person they want to hire is still in the hiring process, how she was going to be in and out because her husband is having some severe health issues (I knew he was having some medical problems but it has gone downhill in the last few weeks), how someone left in the sales team and now she is sharing one of her staff to help cover that position until someone gets hired in.  In short, she was feeling overwhelmed and if I might be able to come in at all, she would be thrilled.  When I called my daycare person, she still had Widget’s slots open, so now I’m back to work for a few weeks.  It isn’t that big of a deal but sometimes I wish I had a little more “stick-to-it”-tiveness about my decisions. 

And the paperwork for adoption #2 is really started now!  I’ve got a post brewing about how happy I am with the agency we chose to work with and their efforts to do this process right.  We had a really interesting “support group” meeting last week Wednesday that I want to share about, partially because I need some ideas from people about a couple of different things related to adoption #2 and the agency itself.

Posted in Adoption, This Life of Mine | No Comments »

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Round peg Square hole

June 1, 2008

I’m in a muddle about church.

Some of it stems from the infamous spiritual gifts assessment, which we never did and yes, I did talk to the woman at church about it, explaining we were not comfortable with how the questions were worded.

However, much of it stems from this feeling that I do not fit within this church as well as I thought I did.  It did a lot for me while I was struggling with the more intense parts of depression.  The reiteration that God loves me despite everything that has happened in my life really was something I clung to on my worst days.  It shored up my weakening belief in God and Jesus.  So there is a lot that I am thankful for that has to do with this church and certain people within it.  Plus I do love the people in our small group- that has been a wonderful blessing to us over the last year.

Now as I’ve moved out of depression and into a real sense of self, I am really feeling the fundamental differences between who I am as a Christian, what I believe about the Bible, about Jesus, about God and the goals of this church for its congregation as Christians along with its core theology.  There are some things that overlap: for example, loving others as Jesus would have, striving to help the poor.  Those things I can do and believe in wholeheartedly.  And I do believe that Jesus was sent from God as his Son to show us what kind of people God wants us to be.

But I struggle-

-with the concept of the Bible as literal.  To me, it is a story, a metaphor for life, full of life lessons and spiritual guidance written by men with a strong belief in God and in the works of Jesus. 

-with the concept that a professed belief in Jesus is the “only way to heaven”.  It doesn’t compute to me.  I have a hard time believing that God would end up so callous, cold and judgmental.  That God and the God I have learned about aren’t the same.  When Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, the light….”, to me he is NOT saying profess a belief in me because it is the only way to heaven but look at me, look at my life, God sent me here to show you these things and how to live as His children.

-with the idea that it is our “job” as Christians to convert others to our beliefs.  That’s the “liberal” in me coming out :)

At first, I thought well, I can “look past” the differences because there is a lot I do like about this church in particular.  I can fit but it isn’t an exact fit,  like a round peg in a square hole.  But the more I think about it, the more I think being a round peg in a square hole isn’t right for me after all.  I can’t see myself striving to become a square peg but I don’t know that I will find a round hole anywhere….

Posted in Seeking God, This Life of Mine | No Comments »