Seeking God Knows What

I’m in a muddle about church.

Some of it stems from the infamous spiritual gifts assessment, which we never did and yes, I did talk to the woman at church about it, explaining we were not comfortable with how the questions were worded.

However, much of it stems from this feeling that I do not fit within this church as well as I thought I did.  It did a lot for me while I was struggling with the more intense parts of depression.  The reiteration that God loves me despite everything that has happened in my life really was something I clung to on my worst days.  It shored up my weakening belief in God and Jesus.  So there is a lot that I am thankful for that has to do with this church and certain people within it.  Plus I do love the people in our small group- that has been a wonderful blessing to us over the last year.

Now as I’ve moved out of depression and into a real sense of self, I am really feeling the fundamental differences between who I am as a Christian, what I believe about the Bible, about Jesus, about God and the goals of this church for its congregation as Christians along with its core theology.  There are some things that overlap: for example, loving others as Jesus would have, striving to help the poor.  Those things I can do and believe in wholeheartedly.  And I do believe that Jesus was sent from God as his Son to show us what kind of people God wants us to be.

But I struggle-

-with the concept of the Bible as literal.  To me, it is a story, a metaphor for life, full of life lessons and spiritual guidance written by men with a strong belief in God and in the works of Jesus. 

-with the concept that a professed belief in Jesus is the “only way to heaven”.  It doesn’t compute to me.  I have a hard time believing that God would end up so callous, cold and judgmental.  That God and the God I have learned about aren’t the same.  When Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, the light….”, to me he is NOT saying profess a belief in me because it is the only way to heaven but look at me, look at my life, God sent me here to show you these things and how to live as His children.

-with the idea that it is our “job” as Christians to convert others to our beliefs.  That’s the “liberal” in me coming out

At first, I thought well, I can “look past” the differences because there is a lot I do like about this church in particular.  I can fit but it isn’t an exact fit,  like a round peg in a square hole.  But the more I think about it, the more I think being a round peg in a square hole isn’t right for me after all.  I can’t see myself striving to become a square peg but I don’t know that I will find a round hole anywhere….