Seeking God Knows What

I had this idea in my head that reaching the one year anniversary of updating our homestudy would not be as significant with the second adoption as it was with the first.  Yeah, I was wrong about that.  I feel like I have been thinking about adoption, the wait, how infertility sucks, and so on a lot more lately than I had over the last few months.  Granted the fact that my cousin had a baby in May, a couple from our small group had a baby in June, a former co-worker of mine just had a baby last Monday and we found out T’s co-worker is pregnant at 38 after 9 years of marriage with no plans to have children, may have something to do with it as well.  It feels like babies, babies everywhere but not for us.

Widget feels it too.  She has commented with greater frequency that it takes a long time to adopt a baby and she will ask regularly “when is a baby coming to our house?”  It is hard to hear her ask and not be able to give any better answer than “I don’t know but you will be a big sister someday.”

Plus we haven’t really had any news or updates from our agency director since the end of April/early May when I found out A and Z had their son and did decide to place him with the other family.

I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen and it will all make sense why we had to go through the things we have been through on this journey to a new family member but right now, it is hard and I’m feeling sad.

As I said previously, Heather at Production, Not Reproduction has created a listing of open adoption related blogs and started a roundtable discussion on open adoption.  The first topic is what one thing I would tell my past self about open adoption if I could. 

I think probably the most important thing I would share is to realize that open adoption contact fluctuates and, while having an idea in my head of what our open adoption would look like was good, expecting it to be JUST LIKE that is not really going to happen.  When we moved towards having an open adoption with visits, I expected our relationship with the mom/her family to turn into this close-knit relationship, such as what I have with most of my family.  When Widget was placed with us, and we had lots and lots of contact from L in the beginning, I really thought this was the direction we were headed.

Then contact completely dried up.  We went from hearing from L just about every week or two, to not hearing back from her for nearly 6 months, even when I would call, e-mail or send a note to her.  I couldn’t figure out what happened.  I stressed out about it every time I called or e-mailed and got no response.  I went to all my adoption forums and asked “What should I do?  Am I doing something wrong?”  In fact, I was getting so worked up about it, that it was distracting me from focusing on Widget and being her momma.

Then one day, I realized that we don’t have to have what I thought was the perfect open adoption, as long as what we have seems to work for all of us.   L is the only person that can know when she is ready for a visit.  I always include a “hope to see you soon”  or “any time you want to visit, let me know and we will set something up” whenever I send a note or pictures.  If she calls, I also make sure I bring up visiting.  And I make sure she has our up-to-date contact information, especially since we have been moving so much these last few years   This way of thinking is a lot less stress for me and that makes me a better momma!

Today is A’s due date, which is apparently all I can think about. I’ve tried distracting myself by reading, playing with Widget, talking to my older sister, and I’m watching my friends’ kids this afternoon but still my mind reverts back to wondering if her son has made his arrival yet, and if so, did she end up actually placing him?

Most of the time I am okay with the fact that she chose another family but at this very moment, I’m sad because I wish we were her choice.

And it is raining, for the third day in a row, which doesn’t help my mood.

We had a rather emotional and stressful weekend thanks to adoption.  Please pray for a baby girl that is an innocent player in a very bad, complicated situation.

I am still processing the events and my feelings but I do plan to write more about it soon. 

I will probably password protect it because it is likely to contain information that needs to be shared to understand the whole story but I don’t want it wide open for anyone to read.  Feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail if you would like the password.

Well, A & Z have decided to go with a different family.

I do want them to feel confident about the family they are choosing, even though it is not us and really, I am somewhat relieved to longer feel “in limbo” over the situation.

That said, I am sad. I have cried off and on. I know it is right in my head but my heart is struggling with feelings of rejection, grief, and a little bit of anger.

I received an e-mail today asking me to take a survey about my experiences with Bethany Christian Services adoption program.

Most of the questions gave me little chance to express my real opinion.

There was an option for comments about how they could improve their services and I left the following:
“There is a lot I would like to say about Bethany. I do think you have some workers that are handling adoptions in an ethical manner for all members, particularly expectant parents. However, as an overall organization, I do not like most of your practices with regard to how you “get” women to place their babies in order to fulfill the desires of your waiting adoptive families.

I was particularly appalled when we heard, unprompted, by the social worker we spoke to that she and the birthparent counselor “would work all night to make a placement happen”. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I want to hear that these women are being given the help they need to make the best decision possible for them and their child. They should know that the grief never goes away. It might lessen and they might still have a “happy” life but most of the firstmothers I know comment that they always feel that loss, even when they feel confident that adoption was the right answer to their situation. They should know that adoptive parents aren’t perfect people, that they get divorced, lose their jobs, go through tough times too. They should know that their child might experience a serious sense of loss by being adopted and not growing up with their biological family. They should know that in most states open adoptions are NOT binding.

Adoption is NOT always the right answer or the best answer to an unplanned pregnancy.”

As if they even pay attention to my little rant.

Yeah.  So after posting about doubting, I’ve had a little confirmation that something wasn’t right.

I don’t really want to get into a long explanation but I will say that A & Z are meeting another family next week Tuesday night.  They have been worried they haven’t done enough research or looking into possible adoptive families.

While I absolutely respect their right to keep looking and want them to feel confident/sure about the family they choose, hearing this news was a bit of a shock for us. 

I’m hanging in there.  I will be glad when all the incertainty is over, though if they continue with us as the possible adoptive family, I still have a few months left of that.