Seeking God Knows What

Last night we went to one of the required adoption classes for adoption #2.  It was about open adoption from an adoptive mother’s perspective.  They really had a roller coaster ride with the natural father contesting, then the natural mother wanting the baby back after 10 weeks while still in the legal risk period, then both of them changing their minds after another 2 weeks and letting the adoption go through.  They now have a very open adoption with both sides of their son’s biological family.  The talk itself was interesting but that wasn’t where I learned something.

It was at the end after the other couples attending the class had left.  You see, the adoptive mother was (and still is) the pregnancy counselor at Catholic Social Services that worked with L.  She also does some homestudies for the agency we are using this time since she has a connection with our social worker.  Needless to say, they adopted through a third agency because of conflict of interest using either of the other two.  Anyhow, we were standing there talking with her afterwards and she was amazed at how big Widget is now.  She didn’t know we were going to be there although we did know she was the speaker.  We talked a little bit about L and how things have been going.  And then she told us she would never forget Widget’s birth and placement because L didn’t want to hold or see her right after birth. So she was the first person to hold her.  Then after the nurses cleaned her up and did her newborn check, she gave Widget her first bottle.  She said she had never had that happen before, nor has she since then.  We had no idea.  We knew L didn’t hold her or see her right away, in fact it was several hours later before she actually did decide to see her.  We just assumed that the nurses took care of Widget right after birth until we got there.  I thought it was cool to hear that part of Widget’s story, something we might never have heard if we didn’t happen to go to that meeting last night.

In fact, I wish I had taken a picture last night of Widget with her to put in her “First Years” scrapbook, which is no where near finished

We got the application today from the agency we decided to use to adopt from.  It is run by the social worker who coordinated Widget’s adoption while she worked at Catholic Social Services.  She has always done homestudies on her own for international adoptions from China but began to have an increase in referrals of women who were experiencing unplanned pregnancies and were considering adoption.  Part of the problem she felt was that the counseling the women were getting was not what they needed, so she decided to start her own program.  I had an interesting dialogue over e-mail with her earlier this spring, particularly after we met with Bethany Christian Services, and it really just confirmed my instinct that she really has a strong heart for women experiencing unplanned pregnancies and helping them get good counseling- not just the usual pro-adoption slant.  She is a single mom herself and knows it can be done.

Here are some snippets (my comments are in italics and hers in caps)

On the decision making side, can I ask what kind of placement rate do you have or been having?

SLOW FOR ABOUT THE LAST YEAR.  ONLY TWO IN 2007, AND ONE SO FAR IN 2008.  WE HAVE 8 RESOURCE FAMILIES WE CAN SHOW, AND 2 BACK UP FAMILIES.

I know placement is definitely subject to a lot of different things, so ballpark numbers are fine.  I’d also love to know how many women that come in decide to parent in the end and I mean that in a good way.  I just think that knowing the expectant moms are getting a good chance to consider parenting as a real option makes it easier to feel confident that a mom is making the decision to place out of more than just “it is the right thing to do” or pressure.  I have gotten involved in the online adoption community and learned some less than desireable things about what can happen during the process.

MOST OF THE MOMS WE COUNSELED LAST YEAR DECIDED TO PARENT.  THEY WERE REFERRED BY OUTSIDE SOURCES FOR ADOPTION SUPPORT, BUT AFTER MEETING WE FOUND EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID—THEY FELT PRESSURED TO PLACE AND REALLY DID NOT WANT TO.

HOW DID THE MEETING WITH BETHANY GO?

All I have to say about our meeting with Bethany was that both Tim and I left knowing that we would not adopt through them again.  Not just because their fees were marginally more expensive but because we both had the feeling that counseling was skewed completely towards “placement good, parenting bad” and we don’t want any part of that.

THAT IS JUST ONE REASON I HOPE YOU END UP IN OUR PROGRAM!

I am glad to hear that the majority of expectant moms/parents coming your way choose to parent.  I know it could mean a long wait for us but I’m okay with that….

*****************************

I’m excited we get to start the process sooner rather than later.  Getting a financial gift from my in-laws has been a huge blessing for us and one we never expected, which is part of the reason we decided to earmark it mainly for adoption costs.  It is enough to cover all the fees we should have barring anything unforeseen.  Obviously, if T lost his job or we had a situation where we needed to use it, we would but right now, there is nothing keeping us from allocating it to our next adoption.  Plus with tax credit, we will eventually get much of it back over 5 years.  Part of the reason, we chose this agency was because she does everything she can to keep costs down.  She doesn’t think adoption should costs huge sums of money for the adoptive families and she wants families experiencing unplanned pregnancies to get good counseling in considering their options, something she has found lacking. 

We might have a possible contact in a young twentysomething woman who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.  She is an acquaintance of a friend of ours.  Our mutual friend hinted around that we might be interested in talking to her about adoption.  And while, yes, I would be interested, I absolutely do NOT want her to feel any pressure from me or our friends that adoption is the answer to her situation.  If she can parent, and I think she probably could, though it would mean an adjustment to her “lifestyle”, she should.  Then again, if she really doesn’t want to parent, we would obviously be interested in adopting her child as long as she has good counseling about the ramifications and possible long-term effects of placement on her life.  Too tricky.  It would probably be best to just stay out of it unless I get contacted by her.  Even then, I will probably just refer her to one of the counselors at our agency.

Late yesterday afternoon, T and I had a meeting with the adoption coordinator at Bethany, where we had originally started the adoption process back in 2002.  The adoption coordinator was the former pregnancy counselor when we were there before.  She is a very nice woman, friendly and open to sharing with us some additional particulars from the failed placement we had (amazing that she remembered it from over 4 years ago!).  We talked some about what has changed in the program: they do direct consent now instead of the agency placement, which is good since it means that the agency doesn’t have overriding guardianship during the time between placement and termination of rights or finalization.  I feel that gives the natural mother/father a better chance at ensuring their child goes to the family they desire rather than the possibility of the agency picking a different family for some reason.  I have no idea how often it happens but it could, therefore I like direct consent better.  They do facilitate adoptions to be more open than before, another good thing, although she did reference the idea of being semi-open at first with the ability to be more open.  Both T and I said, “Oh, no.  We are just fine with being fully open unless there is some sort of obvious safety issue.”  We talked about our bankruptcy and how that might affect the homestudy process, which she said she would have to run it by their director but she thought it might only mean we would need to meet with a financial counselor to show we’ve learned from our mistakes and that we are planning well for the future.  I was feeling less ambivalent about using them again.

And then I brought up my questions about their pregnancy counseling.  Now their current pregnancy counselor is birthmom herself with a kinship placement (her child is with I would guess either a sister or a brother).  I thought okay, this should help make sure things are done better than I have heard from other situations.  I then asked about parenting counseling and tried to relay that I wanted to know they weren’t just saying parenting is hard, expensive, choose adoption.  Instead I got exactly that, “We do go over parenting.  They do homework to understand what the expenses would be, where they would live, health care and so on.”  Valid things to do, but there was no indication that they were not using it to enforce the idea that adoption is better.  The kicker was this and I don’t remember what my question was to her that brought her to say this, but she said “[The pregnancy counselor] and I willingly work nights and weekends to make sure a placement happens.” 

And that statement has been gnawing at me ever since.  I did wonder if I was making a mountain out of molehill, something I have been known to do, so I called my older sister, M, whom I love, though sometimes I’m not sure she “gets” what I’m saying when I talk about adoption, and I knew she would tell me what she thought plus she’s a psychology major.  I didn’t tell her what I thought, I just asked her opinion on something adoption coordinator said.  When I told her, M promptly said, “Well, that sounds to me like they are trying to pressure some poor girl into giving up their baby because they have a list of waiting people.”  I have not talked to M much about my feelings on ethics in adoption, so I was greatly relieved that someone fairly outside the debate would feel the same way I did.  She also told me she felt Bethany’s practices may not have been the greatest when we had our failed placement and she was surprised we were even considering them again.

So we won’t be using them again and I urge anyone using them to really find out what kind of counseling practices are going on in their office.

T and I are in the process of discussing when we are going to start the process to adopt again.  Yes, I know we are in the middle of bankruptcy and yes, I do plan to wait until we have at least 75% of the costs saved.  We won’t/can’t do it as haphazardly as last time with saving, then using the savings, then paying with credit because we won’t have credit to use and it was a BIG mistake last time.  The good thing about bankruptcy is that it will, once all is said and done, actually give us a chance to save the money we will need to adopt again and build our emergency fund.  Otherwise, unless we were given an inheritance or won the lottery, it would have taken us about 10 years to reach the point where we could save a decent amount of money a month. 

Anyway, enough about the money aspect.  On to agencies.

I’ve started gathering information about our various options and I sent an e-mail to the woman who was at Catholic Social Services when we adopted Widget but is now on her own.  She was doing some domestic placements but I don’t know if she still is or not.  My preference would be to use her again since I am very sure that she is pro-family, pro-openness, practices ethically and has true options counseling available but I don’t know if she can do placements here since we are not in the same county anymore.

There is the agency we used to start the process last time but I’m hesitant to use them, even if I feel confident that the local branch is doing things ethically, because of the overall agency attitude and connections.  I don’t know whether I can justify using them, and contributing to the finances of practices I absolutely do not agree with: closed records, biased counseling, adoption is a “win-win” attitude prevalent in so much of their literature.

There is one agency I know we won’t be using.  See this post here for a good example as to why.  I cannot and will not give them a single dime.  Besides they are outrageously expensive compared to most of the other agencies in the area.  All that money going to lure unsuspecting expectant women into their trap, I don’t think so!

Otherwise, I’m not sure what our other choices are.  There are a couple other agencies here and in GR where we used to live.  I guess I’m going to have to do some extra research to find out what they are like. T and I both want this to be done as ethically as possible and want to feel sure that our future child’s first parents went into this knowing what the possible ramifications of adoption are to them, to their child as well as having explored parenting to its fullest.   

We probably won’t go the route of using an attorney and adopting privately unless a situation came our way, mainly because the state requires an agency to do the homestudy and follow-up visits and because I don’t really like the idea of “networking” to adopt, which I know goes against using an agency too since they do advertise.  I kind of wish something would just fall in our laps, where we could avoid having to network or advertising for expectant mothers, either on our own or through an agency.  It just makes it feel so commercialized and like we are after a commodity instead of hoping to parent a child whose biological family is not able to.

I’ve toyed with foster-to-adopt in my head but we really don’t want to disrupt the birth order with Widget.  It is something I would like to do in the future, when Widget and her next sibling are in school full time and I can devote myself to nurturing children who will likely have some different needs and backgrounds.  Whether T is up for it, I don’t know.  I have always envisioned myself with several kids but I know he has some reservations about more than two.  He never really comments much when I throw it out there but I’m hoping over time, he’ll come around to the idea

And to be honest, I miss the baby stage and want to do go through it again.  So, yeah, I’m going to admit to some selfishness on my part.  I love being mommy to a baby and watching all those beginnings.

This is an amazing story I just ran across on our local news website

Son finds birth mom as co-worker

Posted: Dec 18, 2007 05:34 PM EST

Updated: Dec 18, 2007 06:31 PM EST

We had a visit with L, her dad, stepmom & youngest sister on Saturday.  Widget was very excited to go and see L, though it took a few minutes for her to warm up since we were meeting at their place instead of ours.  The visit was good overall.  We have never had any worries about boundaries.  They respect us as Widget’s mom & dad and I do not feel at all threatened by having a relationship with them.

So why am I bringing this up, if all seems so good?

Because when it was time to go, I could see the tears in L’s stepmom’s and her dad’s eyes.  They were trying desperately not to let us see them teary-eyed but both T and I noticed.  And my heart broke for them again, like the day L relinquished her rights forever. 

Even though I know we are not keeping Widget from them, they do not get to see her as much as their other grandchildren.  In fact, L was the “odd man” out from her sisters by placing Widget in an adoption, because they all single parented their children (two are now married).

If it is this hard for me to have them say goddbye over and over, how hard must it be for them?

The other day, I decided to start browsing around the agencies we could work with for our next adoption, which is a ways off, but I am trying to get a handle on how much costs have risen since we adopted Widget, so I started contacting agencies for information.

I asked what the number of expecting women they counsel is and how many placements they have per year.

Here is the reply I got from one of them: 

On Nov 14, 2007 10:10 AM, <contactus@adoptassoc.com> wrote:

HI T and Erin,

On any given day, we are working with about 70-90 birth moms. We are the leading agency in Michigan for placing newborns and we are thrilled to tell you that we have placed 109 newborns with their forever families just this year so far.

Joyce

My reply: 

Thank you for your information.
 
I am wondering if you can give me statistics on the total number of expecting women you counsel, not just “working with on any given day”.  Honestly, I’m looking for an agency with low placement number versus high numbers.  Higher numbers lead me to believe that the practices used for “counseling” are not ones we would want to be associated with.  Adoption is not always the “best choice” or the only “loving choice”.  I would rather wait for a long time and know that our child’s natural mother (and father if at all possible) received good, honest and open counseling about what adoption placement means for them, for their child and the future.  Parenting is hard, single parenting is harder but this does not mean it is not the right choice for most women experiencing unplanned pregnancies, even if they do contact you about making an adoption plan.
 
We have adopted before and are in an open adoption with our daughter’s natural mother.  We know she received genuinely good OPTIONS counseling and made her adoption plan after truly examining parenting.

Now I have to admit I already know we won’t be using them.  They cost about double any other agency does.  And their entire “unplanned pregnancy” site makes me want to puke with all its glories of adoption.  They even had  this column in their “annual newsletter“:

With single parenting or abortion as more socially-acceptable options, statistics indicate that less than two percent of women facing an unplanned pregnancy will choose adoption. Coupled with the fact that out-of-wedlock birth rates are declining, additional efforts are needed to reach women experiencing unplanned pregnancies.

Thus, in 2006, AAI developed www.PlanAdoption.com, a web site intended to reach birth mothers nationwide. This site features adoption information, adoption stories from birth parents and adoptive families, and information about families waiting to adopt a child.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

This is one agency I would like to go out of business (and soon!!!!) before they can coerce more unsuspecting women into placing their children for adoption because it is “best”.