Seeking God Knows What

I am finding myself more and more bored at home.  I don’t necessarily want to go back to work because I know I will want to be home when we adopt again and I really do value being able to stay at home with Widget but my mind is NOT stimulated enough during the day.

The preschool age Widget is in is extremely hard for me.  She won’t just go and play with her toys.  She wants someone to play with her, to play dolls, or kitchen, or dress up.  I’ve never been good at that kind of play.  Even as a kid, my play was stuff like setting up a library where I categorized, catalogued, labeled every book in the house and then went around assigning everyone a library card  or I played store where everything was priced and organized.  None of this free imaginative play.  It needed to be ordered and structured play for me.  Widget is the exact opposite of me in this respect.  She has an extensive imagination- she started imaginative play much earlier than the child development books I read indicated she would.  Now she does like games but we are still at the age where playing games is hard because she gets upset if she doesn’t win or she plays by her own rules and I am a stickler for rules when it comes to games!

It is funny because I do love the baby age and the early toddler age.  There isn’t a lot of stimulating activity there but I’m busy and I think that helps.  I also love it once they are independent enough to read or their games are more entertaining for me to play.

Everyone always says why don’t you take up baking or cooking but I don’t have any interest in that- in fact, I hate the mess it generates because I feel like I already spend enough time cleaning up around here, why add to it with cooking or baking?

And I am NOT a craft person.  I don’t have the patience to sew, knit or paint.  My artwork has always left much to be desired.  I can manage to sew on a button or repair a small seam without it looking like a 5 year old sewed it but that is about it.

I read but it is hard to read when you are continually interrupted by a small child wanting to play.  And I do TRY to play with her but because it is really hard for me, I get short-tempered and irritated quickly, which makes it no fun for her either.  Then she wants to watch TV or play video games and I am horrible about letting her do that so I can read in peace (or do laundry or clean without the extra assistance making it twice as much work).

Honestly, I never thought I would be this bored being at home.  I keep thinking it will get better when I have a baby to keep me busy and Widget is older, more capable of playing by herself or has more friends to play with but I don’t know.  I want to stay home, I just don’t know what to do with myself!

As I was helping Widget get settled down for the night, she asked me what it means to die. Now my grandma died this February and Widget was there for part of the visitation, although she didn’t pay much attention to it. So I think part of it is coming from that because she also asked me why the “second grandma” died.

But then she started asking me if she was going to die or if T and I were going to die. She knew it meant never “seeing” anyone again and she began to cry about not seeing us. It was heartbreaking. In fact, I’m all teary-eyed just thinking about it.

I know it is an age thing as well but, ugh, I’m not ready to have my sweet baby girl thinking about death and dying. 

I’m over my grouchiness from earlier in the week

Widget and I broke out the little swimming pool for the first time in two years since the weather is supposed to be in the upper 80s this afternoon.  Widget was thrilled to put on her star bathing suit, get some sunscreen on and head outside. 

 Right now we are having a lunch break and then I think we will head outside for a little more playtime. 

I love these kinds of days when we have nothing that needs to be done and I can spend my time enjoying my daughter.  Sometimes I feel like I missed so much of her first couple of years being in the throes of depression.  I’m soaking it all in now, even on the days when her 3ishness is enough to drive anyone crazy.

After listening to Widget’s congested breathing and coughing coupled with how hot her body was as she lay in bed with us in the middle of the night, I decided to make an appointment for her first thing this morning.  She was still asleep when I called because you always have to call right away at 8 AM in order to get a same day appointment. 

I’m sure it is the same virus that I have, but she had RSV at 6 weeks, so I’d rather have someone besides my untrained ear listen to her breathing.

Of course, now that she is up, she seems fine.  In fact, I am probably sicker than she is. 

The nurse practitioner is going to wonder why on earth I made the appointment for her and not me

to send overly active 3 year olds when mommies are sick, so they don’t end up watching tv all day because the only thing mommy wants to do is lay on the couch and wish she were sleeping.