Seeking God Knows What

I’m in a muddle about church.

Some of it stems from the infamous spiritual gifts assessment, which we never did and yes, I did talk to the woman at church about it, explaining we were not comfortable with how the questions were worded.

However, much of it stems from this feeling that I do not fit within this church as well as I thought I did.  It did a lot for me while I was struggling with the more intense parts of depression.  The reiteration that God loves me despite everything that has happened in my life really was something I clung to on my worst days.  It shored up my weakening belief in God and Jesus.  So there is a lot that I am thankful for that has to do with this church and certain people within it.  Plus I do love the people in our small group- that has been a wonderful blessing to us over the last year.

Now as I’ve moved out of depression and into a real sense of self, I am really feeling the fundamental differences between who I am as a Christian, what I believe about the Bible, about Jesus, about God and the goals of this church for its congregation as Christians along with its core theology.  There are some things that overlap: for example, loving others as Jesus would have, striving to help the poor.  Those things I can do and believe in wholeheartedly.  And I do believe that Jesus was sent from God as his Son to show us what kind of people God wants us to be.

But I struggle-

-with the concept of the Bible as literal.  To me, it is a story, a metaphor for life, full of life lessons and spiritual guidance written by men with a strong belief in God and in the works of Jesus. 

-with the concept that a professed belief in Jesus is the “only way to heaven”.  It doesn’t compute to me.  I have a hard time believing that God would end up so callous, cold and judgmental.  That God and the God I have learned about aren’t the same.  When Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, the light….”, to me he is NOT saying profess a belief in me because it is the only way to heaven but look at me, look at my life, God sent me here to show you these things and how to live as His children.

-with the idea that it is our “job” as Christians to convert others to our beliefs.  That’s the “liberal” in me coming out

At first, I thought well, I can “look past” the differences because there is a lot I do like about this church in particular.  I can fit but it isn’t an exact fit,  like a round peg in a square hole.  But the more I think about it, the more I think being a round peg in a square hole isn’t right for me after all.  I can’t see myself striving to become a square peg but I don’t know that I will find a round hole anywhere….

Gosh.  It has been nearly two weeks with no posts! 

You would think since I’m not working at all, I might post more often but we’ve been busy taking advantage of the days with warmer weather.  We are still having cool windy days on occasion here, but Widget and I have been trying to walk to the park in the afternoon when it is sunny and warm enough.

I’ve had blog post ideas running through my mind but honestly, I just haven’t sat down to take them to more than just ideas. 

Post ideas like:

What I’m trying to change to live a greener life.

A possibility about adoption #2 (very, very remote but yet still a possibility).

What’s happening in our relationship with L and the future of it, particularly as Widget gets older.

The detritus of my parents’ life together.

How I feel like a round peg in a square hole when it comes to our church and its denomination: I fit but not exactly.  Whether I should be striving to be a square peg or should I be looking for a round hole?

My overall emotional wellbeing and how it has changed (for the better!).

So there’s few ideas running around

I’m still sick.  Seriously.  Temperature, cough, chills, neverending nose blowing.  The whole nine yards.

So no church.  No family stuff.

Just me and my pajamas in bed.

Remembering the reason for today.

Happy Easter!

We seem to be on track to miss church again this week.  Last week, we overslept thanks to the time change.  The week before, well, we just didn’t go.  This week I’m feeling dizzy and sleepy as I’m trying to change antidepressants (zoloft to prozac) to see if some side effect issues I’ve been having will go away plus T did something to his back early last week, is doped up on valium and high doses of ibuprofen, and decided he does not want to sit for an hour through church.

I’ll be honest and say I don’t mind too much as our not-favorite-long-winded teaching associate has been preaching the last few weeks instead of our pastor.  I’m still sorting through my thoughts on the spiritual gifts assessment (mine is not done, nor is T’s) and I have a strong feeling that if I go and hear him preach, I may run screaming from the congregation.  I am most definitely NOT on the same page as he is about all things theological.  Plus, I have a hunch that if I go today and they do nothing to recognize the significance of Palm Sunday, it will compound everything. 

All this complaining is probably making some of you think, “Why on earth doesn’t she find another church, if she’s so unhappy here?”  I’m really not that unhappy.  It lacks in some areas (i.e. mainly recognizing the church calendar and being very non-liturgical) and I have some theological conflicts, which I expect I’d discover in any church I attend, but for the most part, I do feel very strongly that, as a church, it is doing a lot of things right.  Plus when our pastor preaches, I almost always get a lot from his sermons.  Not sure what I’ll do if he decides to move on, or when he decides to retire

Next week is Easter, so we will be there despite inner turmoil, drug changes and back pain!

I have a problem.

I got an e-mail from a staff member at our church asking if T and I would take their spiritual gifts assessment.  So there they were on Sunday, two copies in our church mailbox with a note to have hour long individual meetings once we had them filled out.

So what’s the problem?

I’m realizing by reading through this assessment that I have some rather significant theological issues with my church. 

Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t love my church.  I do.  I receive so much from going to the services and our small group has been amazing.  I think it is doing a lot of good as an individual church to benefit our community and other areas of the country and world.  I also think a lot of that has to do with our pastor and his leadership skills.

But seriously, I’m stuck.  I answered all the questions I felt comfortable answering and, um, that was only 38 out of 137.  Most of the rest I honestly do not agree with the premise/theology behind the question.

My grandmother died this morning at 10:20 AM.

My dad and mom had literally just walked in the door of her room when my aunt said, “I think it is happening.”

I’m happy for her that she is in heaven.  What wonderful things she is experiencing we can only imagine.

I will miss her presence in my life and my family’s life.  She was an amazing woman.

I love you, Grandma.  I will see you again someday.

I have a few prayer requests today….

First is the family of Ellie, she lost her battle last night with neuroblastoma after a hard fight.  I’ve been reading Ellie’s blog feed for a while after someone posted her site on the Bethany forums asking for prayers.  Please pray for her family: Mom-Sarah, Dad-John and 5-year-old Ethan along with all those who have been touched by Ellie’s life.  I can only imagine how bittersweet Christmas will seem with the joy of Christ’s birth juxtaposed against their loss.

 Second is Judy, fellow adoptive mom blogger.  Judy just learned today that she has breast cancer, localized but advanced.  Please pray for her and her family (husband Frank and son Nate).  I am constantly amazed by her strength and support :) 

And last, is actually a family local to me as they go to our church (I only recently discovered they had a blog), Kristi.  Kristi has been battling ovarian cancer since January and went through surgery yesterday to reverse a colostomy.  She and her family are hoping she’ll be home for Christmas with their 3 children (Ashley, Nathan & Emily) but she is having some minor complications- elevated heart rate, low blood pressure and oxygen level. 

We joined a small group at our church, which refers to them as Life Groups because they are supposed to be about doing life together not just bible study.

Well, tonight, we did life with them.

We shared about my mother, her stay in the hospital, telling my dad she wanted to separate.

We shared that we were going to file for bankruptcy (most likely).

We shared about the myriad of emotions surrounding visits with L and her family.

And each of them took turns sharing about things going on in their lives: new babies on the way, the adoption process one couple is going through to adopt from Ethiopia, jobs, deaths, and so on.

At first, I wasn’t sure about being in a life group.  We have friends and family close, did we really need this?  Some of them already knew each other before the group formed, would we feel like outsiders?  Neither T nor I feel extremely confident about sharing our faith in person (here, sure but face-to-face, not so much!), would we be able to open up in a small group? 

But tonight, I realized how important this group is becoming to us and I am extremely thankful for it!

You’d think by now, after 50 appointments, we wouldn’t be talking about the same stuff.

But oh yes, we are.

Intimacy issues

Cancer/Survivorship issues

Worth issues

Stress issues

Financial issues

Adoption issues

God/Christianity

All topics under discussion at my appointments with #5.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I will ever get fully through some of this crap.  There are occasions when I think I’m getting somewhere, but then during my next session, I end up using half of #5’s box of kleenex with my snotty, teary self falling apart in his office.

Therapy is both a bane and a blessing.  On one hand it brings up deep down bits of me didn’t even know I had, which can be hell.  On the other, I know in the end it is better to face these bits because of the relief I often feel after I have a session.  Some of that relief I know is based on the reminder #5 gives me of God’s love for me, how He has forgiven me for my past mistakes and sins.

Today is the “anniversary” of when I fully accepted God and Jesus as my Saviour.   You can read my testimony here.

That said, I am a little bit ashamed to be labeled a Christian this morning because it lumps me together with the guy on one of my adoption forums (the Christian one at that) who touts that he is a “conservative Bible believing Christian” and then informs us that single motherhood is a sin because premarital sex is a sin and therefore, a woman who is pregnant should give up her baby for adoption as RESTITUTION for her sin. (Where’s my vomiting smilie?)

And that, my friends, ain’t what Christianity is about.