Seeking God Knows What

The wii is going back to Target.

I decided I would feel too guilty to enjoy playing it….

But I’m sad

So we bought a Wii today.  I didn’t think that Target would actually still have them in stock but they did.  But we haven’t opened it because both of us are feeling a bit guilty about buying it and whether or not we should have.  Even though, I also had a 10% off coupon, which helped and we paid for it in cash, without taking any money from savings.

Sigh.

I really want it.  So does T.  But it isn’t really the best use of our money….

We had our home visit on Friday night.  Since our social worker is our agency director, we don’t have to wait for anyone else’s approval. So now, despite not having it in written form yet, we are homestudy approved, though we are waiting on a couple references and our background check/fingerprint results.  As she said, “If we need your written homestudy in a hurry, I’ll get it done.” I’d love it if we needed it in a hurry but I’m also content to wait for a bit.  This is the same social worker who ended up matching us the day we were approved with her agency, although we had been waiting two years with another agency prior to that.

It turned out to be a rather comical home visit.   The church across the street from our house had vacation bible school last week with their big finale on Friday night.  This finale included a petting zoo, located in the sideyard directly across from our house, meaning the street is essentially blocked off.  Widget, upon noticing the animals across the street, snuck out the front door and, of course, I notice this JUST as our social worker is pulling around the corner and into the driveway, where Widget proceeds to stand in the middle of the driveway not moving, until I called to her to get out of the way.  Good thing our social worker knows us and that we don’t just let Widget run wild through the neighborhood!

But that isn’t the last of it.  In order to understand this next part, I have to preface with the layout and location of our house.  We are renting a small ranch on a corner lot, with the house facing a street that ends in a cul-de-sac.  Behind our house is actually a lot and a half- the half belonging to the people behind us.  The whole backyard is open with very few trees and a half-driveway located in our neighbor’s part of the yard.  I’d like to have some sort of fence protection because I feel very exposed to the cross street, which is a busier residential road but I digress. 

Anyway, we are sitting at the dining room table, which looks out over the backyard, going over paperwork, when we see not one but TWO cars driving through our backyard to our next door neighbor’s yard.  Apparently since the road in front of our house and our neighbor’s was blocked by this time with the petting zoo, and our neighbors were having some sort of gathering that evening too, they just decided to DRIVE through our yard using the half-driveway to access it.  Shortly thereafter, we notice two little kids, probably 2 and 5, fully-clothed, playing in Widget’s wading pool still full of water from our afternoon playtime.

By this time, we are cracking up, wondering if we should go outside and charge parking plus pool fees since our yard is apparently a free-for-all.

The people who bought our last house here in Holland moved out this past weekend.  I wonder where they moved to and why.

They haven’t sold it yet and it is now listed $4500 less than the price we sold it to them four years ago.  How ironic that it is exactly in our price range for our future home.  I feel badly for them that they will be losing money but I only hope they have a reason to move now rather waiting for the market to rebound.

It is funny to look at the pictures on the listing and see much of what we did to the house still there, except some paint in the living room, kitchen and one bedroom.  They even have the curtains and curtain rods I chose hanging from the windows.

I don’t miss my last house, in fact, I was glad to be away from it and the financial drain it was on our life, but this one I actually do miss, despite its one tiny bathroom and eat-in kitchen.  It was a good house. 

It is such a huge what if for me.  Where would we be if we hadn’t moved out?  Would we still have made the decision to switch adopton agencies, which landed us in a whirlwind placement?  Would some of the other things that have happened in the last four years still have happened- financially, personally?  It isn’t worth dwelling on but I am sometimes curious….

And now I shall bore you with pictures from our few days up north.  All I can say was it was weird, somewhat stressful but the time I spent with Widget and T playing on the beach was worth it.  Note there are no pictures of me!  Guess who had the camera? (Click on the pictures to make them bigger!)

Stress and I are not good friends.  I know most people don’t like to feel stress either but it has a tendency to manifest itself more deeply with me.

I had an appointment with #5 yesterday morning and it was fairly good.  But today I feel a little bit like I hid how I was really feeling, so as to not turn into a sniveling, weeping mess during the appointment.  I’ve had a good streak going here and really feel like I’ve come a long, long way in the last two years.  It is just days like today when I realize that, for me, depression is not just a one-time thing, it is life-long battle to keep it from having control over my life.

Widget and I are heading north tomorrow for the 4th.  Northern Michigan is my absolutely favorite place to vacation.  Full of my own memories and those I hope to create for my children.  It just reflects the quintessential summer vacation in a cottage on the lake and its small town celebrations of the 4th of July are great.

It is just going to be different this year with my parents’ divorce and my sisters with kids not coming up either.  Both of my parents will be up there, just at different places.  We are staying with my dad at the cottage he rents, probably the better choice than my grandparents’ where my mom will be.  I debated about not going but I don’t know that any other time this summer will work for T and we both like to spend a few days up there in the summer.  I have to cope until Thursday night without him, but then he will be there until we go home on Saturday.  I suspect we will spend much of our time together sans my mixed up family dynamics, doing our own things as a family.

Of course, I haven’t packed anything yet plus I need to do some laundry and clean the bathrooms before I go.

It is probably a good thing I have an appointment scheduled with #5 for Monday ;) 

Today was a day of memories.

Playing croquet in the hot summer sun, with my cousins and siblings, half-dead grass crunching under our feet, jumping and shouting every time we knocked each other’s croquet ball away from the wicket.

Standing barefoot along the garage door frame trying to stand up as tall as I could, hoping to squeeze another eighth of an inch out, while my grandpa added my new height measurement to the myriad of marks his twenty-one grandchildren (plus great-grandchildren!) made over the years.

Watching my grandma make bread in the kitchen and devouring warm slices, layered with butter.

Squealing with laughter and protesting as I would wriggle on the floor because my grandpa had a game of holding us by our big toe until my grandma would call out from the kitchen, “Tom, you stop that!  You leave those kids alone!” knowing that we loved every minute of it.

Eating homemade vegetable soup from Grandma’s brown soup bowls, hoping to be the lucky one to eat with the golden spoon this time.

Going Christmas caroling in the icy darkness of December, knowing there would be hot chocolate and fresh cookies when we got back.

Walking with my grandpa, watching the tall grass wave back and forth as Dolly, his English Springer Spaniel, made her way in the fields and woods behind my grandparents’ home.

Today was a day of memories.

This was posted on a forum I visit.  And it is, um, rather too true.  Not only for me but for many of us

I’m over my grouchiness from earlier in the week

Widget and I broke out the little swimming pool for the first time in two years since the weather is supposed to be in the upper 80s this afternoon.  Widget was thrilled to put on her star bathing suit, get some sunscreen on and head outside. 

 Right now we are having a lunch break and then I think we will head outside for a little more playtime. 

I love these kinds of days when we have nothing that needs to be done and I can spend my time enjoying my daughter.  Sometimes I feel like I missed so much of her first couple of years being in the throes of depression.  I’m soaking it all in now, even on the days when her 3ishness is enough to drive anyone crazy.